Undefined
by Lecanis
Summary: Either Kakashi is taking teasing Iruka to a whole new level, or there's something else behind his behavior. When Iruka finds the answer, what will he do with it? Will it forever be "Undefined"? KakaIru
1. Chapter 1: Stars

1: Stars:

_The light of the stars takes so long to reach our eyes._

"You don't believe in me, do you?" asked the infuriating man who was squatting on Iruka's desk.

Iruka rolled his eyes. "You're keeping me from getting any work done by standing on my papers, so yes, obviously you exist."

"That isn't what I mean, and you know it," argued the other man, not budging.

"Just tell me what you want me to say so that I can say it and you can go away," Iruka said quietly, slumping in his chair.

"Oh, I don't know. For starters, maybe that I'm not lazy, worthless, perverted, and _whiny_," replied the man on his desk, that last word coming out with something that sounded very suspiciously like a whine indeed.

"Fine, Kakashi-san, you are not lazy, worthless, perverted, and _whiny_," Iruka said, pulling off a very good imitation of the whine itself.

Kakashi's cyclopean glower was not amused. "You are not convincing me," he said, in a very different voice, one low and threatening.

Iruka pushed himself away from the desk and stood. "If you won't let me finish my work, I'll just go home. I am not fighting with you again. You're just trying to get me angry because it turns you on, and I'm tired of your games," he said, as calmly as he could. His face was only slightly red, he hoped, and he hadn't raised his voice. Raising his voice might work well on just about anyone else, but not Kakashi.

Kakashi sprang off the desk and landed in front of Iruka, blocking his path. This was new. Following him around and pestering him Kakashi had been doing for a while now, but actually hindering his running away was definitely not the norm. The other man might be only slightly larger than Iruka, but the actual threat he posed was enormous. To Iruka's surprise, however, Kakashi's voice had a pleading tinge to it when he spoke again. "Will you stay if I'm good? What if I help you with your work?"

Iruka wasn't sure how to deal with this new approach. He rubbed his temple, the headache that had building there all day finally reaching a nearly unbearable level. "Go get me something for my headache, if you want to help, and then you can stay and talk to me while I finish up my work if you like," he said finally, wondering exactly what possessed him to treat a higher-ranked shinobi like an errand boy. Surely he wasn't going to get away with it, was he?

But he did. Kakashi nodded, turned, and bolted out the window. Iruka had just had time to settle into his chair, dust the footprints off his paperwork, and pick up his pen when Kakashi was standing before him with a glass of water and a couple of pill bottles. "I didn't know what kind you used, but I find it works best if you take two of each," Kakashi offered helpfully, handing the items over. Iruka nodded, took the offered medicine, and drank the water while Kakashi looked around the classroom as if deciding where to perch, now that Iruka's desk was out of the question. He finally settled on the floor beside Iruka's desk, a little too close for Iruka's comfort but not quite close enough that Iruka felt validated in asking him to move. Iruka figured he had calculated for exactly that effect, but admitted to himself that he might just be a little paranoid when it came to the quirks of Jounin. Especially this particular Jounin.

"What are you working on anyway?" Kakashi asked him casually.

"Modifying my schedule again," replied Iruka, writing as he spoke. "I have all this extra practice and tutoring I like to do, but all the extra work Tsunade-sama piles on me is starting to get in the way, so I'm trying to find time for everything. I'm going to have to drop something, I know, but I'm not sure what yet. I've been taking some of Mira-sensei's students for some of my practice sessions though, so I'm thinking we might just combine the two and then each only have to do half, if it can safely be done with the number of students that show up for them."

Kakashi cocked his visible eyebrow at Iruka. "You really do a lot of work, don't you, Iruka-sensei?"

The observation was made in a serious tone, more serious than Iruka had heard from Kakashi in a while. He stopped writing and set the paper aside, looking down at Kakashi. He felt awkward sitting in a chair while Kakashi sat on the floor, and even more awkward now that the man was talking seriously to him instead of just being annoying. "I suppose I do," he answered. "There's just always more work to be done, and I can't exactly say no."

"No wonder you think I'm lazy. All I do is go on some super-hard mission, kill a few people, and then I get to pass out from chakra depletion and rest for weeks or months on end. Except when I was training a Genin team, that was hard, but I didn't prove to be so good at that," Kakashi said. His tone was light, but his words seemed sincere.

That was enough for Iruka. "Kakashi-san, you're not lazy. Well, okay, sometimes you're lazy. However, most of the time you use your laziness and other obviously negative personality traits as a defense mechanism for dealing with your inability to interact properly with living human beings, and it's completely understandable. What isn't understandable is your strange fixation on a Chuunin teacher who is both very boring and quite beneath you."

Kakashi looked up, and said, "You're not beneath me, you're taller, see?" blithely.

Iruka groaned. "You're not going to explain this to me, are you, Kakashi-san?"

Kakashi shook his head emphatically, reminding Iruka very much of some of the younger kids he'd taught. "Nope, not going to explain it. Besides, you're the one who said I could stay," he pointed out.

"Yes, obviously I'm a masochist," Iruka muttered.

Kakashi looked curious. "Are you? I wouldn't have pegged you for one, personally. Then again, you do spend most of your time with kids, and that's pretty painful, so maybe…"

Iruka gave up. He wasn't going to get anything figured out with Kakashi chattering at him, and while the medicine was starting to work on his headache, what he really needed was dinner and not to be staring at paperwork. "Come on, I'm quitting for the night," he said, picking up his papers and locking them in his desk drawer.

"You can't! You're not done yet!" Kakashi cried, his voice sounding oddly panicked.

"My head hurts, so I'm done," Iruka said quietly. "Now,_ if _you can talk softly, you can come to my place and have dinner with me, okay?" He was going to regret this. He regretted it already, as soon as the words were out of his mouth, but he was also honestly curious as to why Kakashi was obsessing over him. It wasn't about Naruto anymore, Naruto had left Konoha to train with Jiraiya a while ago now, and he wasn't due back for even longer. It might be simply a game to Kakashi, toying with the Chuunin, but that didn't account for this odd panic.

"I can be quiet if it means I get to eat dinner with you," Kakashi whispered, and something in his tone sounded almost reverent, and once again strangely childlike. He waited silently as Iruka gathered up his things, locked his classroom, and led them out of the Academy.

"What should I make for dinner?" Iruka asked as they left the school, but Kakashi shook his head.

"You can't make me dinner if your head hurts. Let's pick up ramen or something and bring it to your place to eat so it'll be quiet." Iruka started to protest, but Kakashi cut him off. "I'm buying. Just tell me what you want."

"Ramen is fine," Iruka said gratefully. He had planned on having something simple for dinner, but once had invited Kakashi, didn't want to seem rude. And he really didn't normally eat out except on special occasions now that Naruto was gone, so it was kind of a treat for him. He followed Kakashi to Ichiraku, noting with amusement how the Jounin's pace constantly changed, as if being very careful not to leave him behind. Ordering the ramen for take-out caused the owner to look at Iruka strangely, since he typically ate there, but the order was ready quickly and they were soon off to Iruka's.

Iruka's apartment was not a big place, nor was it particularly impressive. It was, however, rather homey. He found himself relaxing a bit once he was sitting at his own table, eating ramen, even if he did have an unexpected guest to deal with. Kakashi sat quietly while Iruka started eating, watching him carefully.

"Aren't you going to eat?" the younger man asked.

"Oh, yes, eat," Kakashi said. "Of course I'm going to eat." He looked indecisive for a moment, and then pulled down his mask and starting eating.

Iruka tried to be rational about this. Surely people saw Kakashi's face. Medics, if nothing else, considering how much time he spent in the hospital. Probably his friends, as well. Just because he had used hiding his face as a way to torture his students didn't mean that it was so special for anyone to see it, surely. But Iruka didn't know anyone who would say they had seen it, and had heard more than just Kakashi's Genin team speculating about what it looked like. It looked like a pretty normal face, as far as he could see, a handsome one definitely, but still just a face like anyone else's. Okay, a very handsome one, with a nice jaw line and soft-looking lips, but still… Iruka snapped out of it. _Less staring, more eating_, he told himself firmly.

"So, after dinner, would you like to go for a walk with me?" asked Iruka. It was a nice night, and the fresh air would probably be good for him. Besides, Kakashi was starting to get this kicked-puppy look like he expected to be asked to leave as soon as they were done eating, and it was too much for Iruka to deal with. He seriously needed to find out what was wrong with Kakashi, because this strange behavior couldn't be a good sign.

Kakashi's eye studied Iruka's face carefully, and then he quickly finished up his food and helped Iruka clean up. "Are you sure you feel up to a walk?" he asked.

"It's just a headache. Like you said, dealing with kids is painful. Real kids and adults who insist on acting like kids, so that covers all my jobs," Iruka said with a grin. "I think it'd be good for me actually, and I'd appreciate the company."

Kakashi smiled back, and Iruka thought he really did have a nice smile when you could see it. "Okay, then, Iruka-sensei, I'd be happy to come with you."

The sky was clear, and the sun was setting as they left Iruka's place. "Let's not go through town, too noisy," said Kakashi, grabbing Iruka's arm and steering him down a side street. Iruka wasn't very comfortable with the touch, but Kakashi seemed to be genuinely worried, so he let it go. He even let it go when Kakashi continued to hold onto his arm, for a moment anyway, and it was Kakashi himself who realized what he was doing. He looked at his arm as if it didn't belong to him, and then pulled it back, mumbling what Iruka assumed was an apology even though he couldn't really hear the words.

Before long, they were at the edge of the forest, and it was getting dark. Iruka paused for a second before stepping onto the path, and then turned to Kakashi and smiled. "Just a bit into the forest perhaps? It's such a pretty evening, and I know a great star-watching spot not far from here… they should be out by the time we get there."

Kakashi was of course wearing his mask again, but his eye lit up with joy. "Anything you want, Iruka-sensei."

Again that reverent tone, and Iruka found himself wanting to slap some sense into the other man. What was wrong with Kakashi, to act this way? He sounded almost love-sick, but surely that couldn't be it, could it? Perhaps it was Iruka's turn to tease the Copy-Nin, and see how he liked it, he decided. "Anything, Kakashi?" he asked, his voice low and sensual, very aware of the lack of any honorific.

Kakashi's eye widened, and he seemed to tense all over at once. Iruka was worried he'd gone too far, though what he'd said to the Jounin was incredibly tame considering some of the dirty things he'd heard come out of the man's mouth in public. Then Kakashi nodded, slowly and seriously. "Anything, Iruka, anything at all."

Iruka's mouth went dry. This wasn't a joke or a game after all, he realized suddenly. This pale specter of a man had been following him around for months and teasing him because he was interested in him, not because he was bored or wanted to drive Iruka mad. But what to do with such a realization as that? Iruka should say what he wanted was to stop being followed around and pestered, but he couldn't bring himself to say the words. This was Hatake Kakashi after all, and while he might be one of the strongest shinobi Konoha had, he was also a man whose life had been a great tragedy, and not someone who easily opened himself up to others. Iruka wasn't about to be cruel to him now, but he wasn't really sure what the kind thing to do would be.

So he smiled, because Iruka always smiled when he was lonely or hurt or afraid. And he led the way to his favorite star-gazing spot without comment about the great confession he'd just been given, and together the two men sat staring at the stars, pointing out their favorite constellations, speaking of other starlit evenings, and saying nothing at all about what exactly it was Iruka would do with the "anything" Kakashi had offered him.


	2. Chapter 2: Fog

2: Fog

2: Fog

_The fog that obscures our vision sometimes protects us as well. When that fog is gone, what will we see?_

Iruka's morning started with being summoned to see the Hokage. That couldn't be a good thing, he figured, since she would have seen him later that day anyway, and he had a pretty busy day ahead of him as it was. It was a foggy, dreary morning, which didn't help Iruka's mood any as he made his way to the Hokage Tower. The guards at the office door let him in, and Tsunade waved him informally to a chair. Shizune was sitting at her desk, studying something a little too carefully, and it made Iruka a little suspicious.

"So, Iruka-kun… I hear that I've been overworking you," Tsunade said, with a cat-that-ate-the-canary grin.

Iruka sat very straight in his chair. "Hokage-sama, I am your shinobi to command."

Tsunade's grin didn't budge, and Iruka could swear he heard a giggle from Shizune. He wanted to glare at her, but instead he kept his eyes carefully trained on the Godaime Hokage. "So why was one of my other shinobi here complaining about it?" she asked.

"Because he's an idiot," Iruka said calmly.

Tsunade laughed, long and clear, and then her face settled into a serious expression. "Iruka, you should really have said something. You're one of the most dependable people I have here, and I don't want you working yourself into the grave. I'm going to work a bit with your schedule, partially because I don't want you missing out on your teaching time, since I know you love it, and also because I want you to occasionally have some time off."

Iruka scowled. "If he told you to give me time off because he's hoping he can fill that time for me, I'm going to…"

"Iruka-kun, you really shouldn't make threats in front of your Hokage," Tsunade said, cutting him off. "It puts me in a bad position, because then if something does happen to the brat, I have to investigate you and all that, and then who is going to do all your work?" The smile on her young face was wry, and her eyes glowed with mischief.

Iruka smiled suddenly, encouraged by the happiness of his leader. At least she was having fun with his predicament, if nothing else. "I swear to you that I would never do any lasting harm to any loyal shinobi of Konoha," he said with a seriousness that belied his expression.

Tsunade waved away Iruka's seriousness, and said "Yes, yes, I know that. Just take today off, though, okay? Then we'll work on your schedule tomorrow. I've already arranged for your classes, and all your other duties, to be taken care of." She paused. "And don't be too hard on Kakashi; he really can't help his strangeness. He has good reason to be the person that he is, and he is more than he appears to be."

Iruka didn't argue with her, because she was the Hokage, and it wouldn't do any good anyway. Instead, he smiled at her, and said, "I am being as kind to Kakashi as I know how to be, given the situation."

Tsunade nodded, and dismissed him, and Iruka walked out of the Hokage Tower wondering what the heck he was going to do with his day off. Perhaps he should find Kakashi after all, if he wasn't busy, because he had said he would be kind. Though, considering the circumstances, he wasn't entirely sure whether staying away from the man or spending time with him would be more kind, considering he didn't really return his feelings.

His feet led him to the Memorial, because he was thinking about the fact that the people he would have liked to ask for advice were all dead already, and going there made the decision for him, because Kakashi was there. He stood with his head lowered, his whole body turned toward the Stone. "Were you looking for me?" he asked, without turning.

"No," said Iruka honestly. "I was looking for a guidance I don't have anymore."

Kakashi nodded, still without looking at Iruka. "I'll leave you alone then," he said, turning away.

Iruka reached out and grabbed Kakashi's arm as he went by. He found himself flying through the air, as Kakashi instinctively tossed him off, but Iruka had been expecting it and landed lightly on his feet. "I have the day off, as I'm sure you know, so if you're free we could do something," he said calmly, as if he hadn't just flown through the air.

Kakashi finally looked at Iruka then, surprised by his calm reaction to Kakashi's instinctual defensive maneuver. His single visible eye coolly examined Iruka's face, as if looking for some kind of trick. "You know I'd love to spend time with you," he said evenly. "Are you sure it's what you want?"

Iruka didn't know what to say to that, because it sounded like Kakashi was asking something more than what the words implied. "I'm not sure, but I'm asking you anyway," he replied honestly.

Kakashi nodded, and the two walked away from the Stone and back through town "So, Iruka-sensei, what do you want to do with your day off?" Kakashi asked finally, realizing they were just kind of wandering the streets, and it wasn't really nice enough out to make that fun.

_Not spend it with you_, thought Iruka, and he really hoped Kakashi couldn't read that thought on his face. But he was Iruka, and he was the master of smiling when there was nothing to smile about. "I honestly don't know. Pretty much all I do is work, especially since Naruto left," he said. "Maybe we could go see a movie? It's too early in the day for movies though."

"You really don't get out much, do you?" said Kakashi, rolling his eye. "Tell you what, just let me take care of everything today, okay?"

Iruka nodded, rubbing a hand across the bridge of his nose nervously. "Sure, you decide."

As soon as that was decided, Iruka caught sight of the awkward, strange Kakashi from yesterday. Kakashi stood there for a moment as if trying to make up his mind about something, and then grabbed Iruka's arm and practically pulled him after him. Iruka wasn't quite comfortable with it, but letting it go was easier than dealing with the freak-out and apology he guessed would come if he said something.

Kakashi took Iruka to his apartment, because Iruka had mentioned watching movies, and Kakashi had movies there. Iruka hovered a little after coming in the door and taking off his shoes, as if not quite comfortable being in Kakashi's home.

"Come on, it's okay. I just thought we'd watch a movie from my collection. Not Icha Icha, I promise!" said Kakashi encouragingly. He had pulled down his mask as soon as he stepped through the door, and the smile had gave Iruka was heartbreakingly hopeful. Iruka followed the other man down the hall to a surprisingly comfortable looking living room. He'd almost expected the other man to either have a spotless, completely personality-free dwelling, or a mess, and this place was neither.

Kakashi gestured, and Iruka went over to the multimedia rack on the wall to pick out something to watch. He finally threw up his hands and turned to face the silver-haired ninja who had been sort of lurking behind him. "Just pick something for us, I don't even know what I'd like," he said. Feeling a little silly for not even being able to pick out a movie, he stalked over and flopped on Kakashi's couch.

Kakashi smiled again, and reached out to pick out a movie almost at random it seemed. He put it in the player, started it, and went to sit by Iruka. He sat too close the first time, his leg touching the other man's, and saw Iruka's eyes widen a bit. "Sorry," he muttered, blushing, and scooted over a bit so that he wasn't crowding his guest.

Iruka said nothing, and simply sat staring at the TV screen. If someone had asked him later what the movie was about, he wasn't sure how much he'd be able to tell them. It seemed like something that would have been interesting to him normally, sort of talky and dramatic, but he couldn't seem to focus on it. Because he was in Kakashi's house, and Kakashi was acting like a little kid with a crush, and it wasn't right. Nothing about it was right, he decided, because Sharingan Kakashi wasn't the type of man who suddenly developed crushes on schoolteachers, and Iruka wasn't the kind of man that dated insane Jounin who were likely to get themselves killed any day now. Iruka's last date had been with his fellow teacher Mira actually, though they hadn't quite hit it off as well as he'd expected.

Every time Iruka looked over at Kakashi, the other man's dark eye was trained on him, not the movie they were supposedly watching. It was sort of unnerving, Kakashi watching Iruka pretend to watch the movie when really all Iruka could do was think about how weird the situation was. He should say something, should let the poor man down easily and walk way from this whole mess. But he couldn't, because the way Kakashi looked at him just made it impossible. Iruka knew, logically, that the longer he drew this out, the more he would be hurting Kakashi in the end, but for now his mere presence seemed to be enough to make the Jounin happy. So he sat there through the movie, and he let Kakashi make him a rather delicious lunch, which he ate while making small talk.

After lunch had been cleared away, Iruka thought perhaps he'd go. After all, he'd said he'd spend some time with Kakashi, but that didn't mean that he had to spent the entire day with him, did it? Before he could escape, however, Kakashi was leading him back to the living room, and he was sitting on the couch next to Kakashi, not sure what to expect next.

"It's still so foggy out, we couldn't really do anything fun outside," Kakashi said sadly, pouting a little. "I wish we could have had a picnic, but it's just not nice enough. I don't have a lot to do here, I guess, but… I have shogi!" he said suddenly, jumping up from his seat excitedly. Then he paused, and turned to Iruka. "Do you like shogi?"

Iruka smiled at him brilliantly, because actually he did quite enjoy shogi. "Yes, let's play."

Kakashi smiled in return, and starting setting up the game while Iruka waited patiently. Playing shougi with Kakashi probably would be quite a challenge, he figured, given the man's intelligence. Hopefully he'd be interested enough in the game that he would actually stop looking at Iruka so pathetically, too.

It didn't work. Kakashi was an impressive opponent, but he barely glanced at the board, and sitting across from him like this make it so Iruka could see that he was constantly staring. Finally, Iruka sighed and said, "Kakashi, could you please not look at me like that?"

Kakashi reached up and scratched the back of his head, and then looked down, frowning. "How?"

"What do you mean how? You're staring at me!" replied Iruka crossly.

"No," said Kakashi, which infuriated Iruka. He must have noticed, because he quickly amended that. "No, I wasn't asking how I was looking at you, I was asking how I'm supposed to stop."

Iruka froze. Surely the man's obsession with him wasn't that strong. It was a rather childish crush, or had seemed to be. Finally, he said, "You don't just stare at people like that, Kakashi. This isn't the battlefield, you aren't supposed to be trying to intimidate me. You've been looking at me all evening." Then he had a thought. "Hold still, and don't kill me, okay?

Kakashi nodded, but tensed. Iruka stood and walked around the table with the shogi set, then reached out a hand to Kakashi, who took it and let Iruka pull him to his feet. Still holding onto Kakashi's right hand, he reached out with his left hand and grabbed Kakashi's hitae-ate, pulling it off. Kakashi closed his eye instinctively, and Iruka just stood there for a moment, looking contemplatively at the scar over his eye. Finally, he said, "Open your eye, Kakashi. Really look at me, with both eyes, for just a moment. Then you're going to put your headband back on and stop staring at me, okay?"

Kakashi didn't say anything, but he clung to Iruka's hand as if it were a lifeline, and his eyes locked on Iruka's face. After what felt like an eternity to Iruka, the other pale hand reached out to take the hitae-ate from him, and the one in his was pulled free reluctantly to secure the headband back over Kakashi's Sharingan eye. "Thank you," said Kakashi, softly. "You were right, that helps." Then he sat back down, and faced the shogi board. "It's your turn, Iruka-sensei."


	3. Chapter 3: Rain

3: Rain

_Tears fall from the sky, but we will laugh in defiance._

Iruka knew he wasn't really going to win. Even if he'd managed to promote several of his pieces, and captured many of Kakashi's. Surely he wasn't going to win, not against Hatake Kakashi, the legendary genius. But he was winning, anyone looking at the board could have told him that, and it made him a little angry. Was Kakashi letting him win?

The look of concentration on Kakashi's face said that he wasn't. He seemed to be a little annoyed, in fact, and when Iruka finally got him in checkmate, he scowled. Then he looked up at Iruka and the scowl turned to a smile. "Sandaime taught you to play, didn't he?"

Iruka nodded. "We played occasionally for years, and most of my strategies come from him. I haven't really played since his death, but this was nice. Perhaps a rematch, sometime?"

The normalcy of interaction between them disappeared suddenly, and that new disturbing expression crossed Kakashi's face again, that desperate hope. "I would love that, Iruka-sensei. So you'll come visit me again?"

"Of course I will." Iruka stood slowly, and walked over to look out the window. The fog had lifted, but the sky was still cloudy, and by now it was late afternoon. "Let's go for a walk, and we'll talk about things, okay?" he said softly, trying to sort things out in his head.

"Anything you want," said Kakashi, and the words sent a chill through Iruka. He wished the Jounin wouldn't say such things to him. They were simple words, but the seriousness with which they were said told Iruka how much power he had over the other man, and he didn't want it. He wasn't sure he wanted any of this.

They wandered into the forest again, and wound up lounging in the same grassy clearing where they had watched the stars the night before. Only there were no stars now, just sunlight filtering through dark clouds. Kakashi had plopped down next to Iruka, stretching out comfortably, while Iruka leaned back on his elbows. Kakashi had been wearing his mask while they walked, but he took it down now, after a quick glance around to be sure no one was watching. "So, talking," said Iruka hesitantly.

"What are we going to talk about? Did I do something wrong again? I haven't been staring at you…" started Kakashi.

"That not it," said Iruka, cutting him off before Kakashi could spiral any further. "I'm not angry at you."

Kakashi's face broke into a huge grin, then settled into a calm smile. "So, it's okay that I'm in love with you?"

Iruka frowned. "I can't really say it's okay or it's not okay. I don't control your emotions. I can't make you not feel the way you do. I just don't know… what to do with it. Is this cruel to you? I'm enjoying your company, but I don't feel that way about you."

Silence. "I've never imagined you did feel that way, Iruka-sensei. It's rather obvious that you don't, even though you're being nice to me. But… why do you call me by my name now?"

Iruka ran their recent conversations through his head suddenly, and realized he had been no longer using an honorific when talking to Kakashi. It struck him as horribly rude, when the thought about it, because Kakashi hadn't really given him permission. It was just… what do you call someone who is in love with you? How do you continue to be formal and polite with someone who is acting so deferential and pathetic?

Iruka's extra-polite side took over, and his response was. "I apologize, Kakashi-san. My behavior has been inappropriate."

Kakashi shook his head emphatically. "No. Don't you dare. Don't you give me a gift and then take it away again. If you're going to walk away and not talk to me anymore, then do it. But don't call me 'Kakashi-san' and play the formality game with me." His eye was intense, and the sadness in his face was overwhelming.

"A gift? Is that what it was when I called you by your name? Is that what it is when I spend time with you? Is that how you see it?" asked Iruka, taken aback.

Kakashi's laid back and closed his eye, his expression thoughtful. He took a moment to answer, and when he did, his voice was once again very calm. "Everything you do for me seems like a gift to me. Every time you say my name, or you laugh, or smile… everything is a gift. You give of yourself so freely, and I've been just accepting whatever you will give. I'd like to continue doing that, and you can give or not give whatever you choose."

Iruka was lost, completely beyond his comfort zone. He'd been in love before, or thought he was, but he'd never had anyone obsess over him this way. It wasn't healthy, he was sure of it. There had to be something wrong with anyone who was willing to simply sit back and wait for someone to bestow some token of affection on them, no matter how long it took. There had to be something wrong with someone willing to accept that the person they were in love with didn't' share their feelings, and still want to be near them. Once again, Iruka got the feeling something was very wrong here, but… what he said was, "Kakashi," his voice shaking a little. Then he gathered all of his strength, and said, "Kakashi, this can't be good for you."

Kakashi shook his head. "I'm sure it's not. So walk away, if you want, but I'm telling you I'd rather you not. I'd rather you stay and hurt me than walk away and hurt me."

There it was. It was going to hurt Kakashi either way, and Iruka was enjoying his company even if he wasn't sure he could ever feel anything for him romantically. They could never be friends, either, not in any normal sense of the word, not with the way Kakashi was behaving. But Iruka wasn't willing to walk away, and so he merely leaned back on the grass and closed his eyes as well.

"Kakashi, call me Iruka. And I'll give you whatever I can give, for now, though I don't know what that will be."

"Iruka," said Kakashi softly, reverently. They lay there silently together, not quite close enough to touch, letting whatever it was between them simply exist in the moment.

It was much later when Iruka stood, dusting himself off, and said, "I should go home. I have to meet the Hokage tomorrow to talk to her about my schedule, and I still would like to have a bit of time to myself tonight. Could you walk me home, though, Kakashi?"

Kakashi opened his eye slowly, and lay there looking up at Iruka, who extended a hand to help him up. It was a silly thing, to offer a hand to another ninja in such a way, someone who could easily walk up vertical surfaces and walk on water. But it was kind, and Kakashi smiled as he took the offered hand and let Iruka help him to his feet. He held onto it for only a moment after he stood, and then with an obvious act of will, released it. He then reached up to replace his mask, not willing to walk through town with his face bared.

The walk home was casual and comfortable again, filled with conversation about Iruka's students and the shinobi they knew in common. Anyone watching them wouldn't have known that anything was different between them, except perhaps to wonder when they had become so friendly.

It started to rain about halfway to Iruka's place, the sky opening up and suddenly pouring down a torrent upon them. They ran, laughing, and when they reached Iruka's doorstep, he ushered Kakashi in without even thinking about it. The two men collapsed in the entryway, the release of tension between them and the sudden unexpected rain combining to create a mood of hilarity.

Iruka retrieved towels so they could get dry, and once they had both dried off they stood there looking at each other strangely. "I can always teleport home, you know," said Kakashi.

Iruka nodded. "You can do that in a minute, but first…" he paused, gathering his nerve. Kakashi stood there before him, soaked through with rain, looking less impressive but more endearing than he had ever seen him. "Will you kill me if I touch you?" Iruka asked softly, remembering how he'd been thrown earlier.

Kakashi shook his head slowly, and simply stood waiting. Iruka reached out, hesitantly, and drew the other man into a hug. "I don't know why you feel this way about me. It doesn't make any sense to me still, and I'm not sure what to do with it. But, I haven't told you yet, I haven't told you how sweet it is, how flattered I am. So, thank you, Kakashi."

Kakashi melted into the embrace, hugging back hesitantly, as if afraid he'd be rejected any moment now. But Iruka didn't move, and they stood there, arms around each other, for a long moment. "Thank you," said Kakashi finally, and stepped away, removing Iruka's arms gently. "Thank you," he repeated, and then made a few hand signs rapidly, and was gone.

Iruka wanted to collapse there in his entryway, emotionally drained, but instead he dragged himself off to have a bath. The entire time he was in the bath, he was thinking, "How do I feel about him? What am I doing here?" but he couldn't come up with any answers. He liked Kakashi, he thought, and he respected him, but even though he found the man attractive now that he had actually seen his face, it didn't stir any deeper feelings in him.

Finally, much later, lying in bed, he whispered into the darkness. "If it's enough for him, then it's enough for me too."


	4. Chapter 4:Wind

4: Wind

_Will the winds of change bring us joy or sorrow, and will we still be here when the wind dies down?_

The next morning Iruka walked out of the Hokage Tower just in time to make it to class if he hurried. The meeting had gone well, actually, and he was pretty happy with the way Tsunade was arranging things for him. He was going to actually have more time for himself than he had since he'd been a Genin, but still manage to do the jobs that let him connect both with his students and his fellow shinobi.

Since Iruka was in such a good mood that day, he made up an impromptu game for his students to play, one that involved both answering questions related to chakra management and actually showing off their skills, without making them feel like they were studying. It was a fine balance, but Iruka had become a master at it, and his students begged to be allowed to play again sometime soon. Iruka himself was having a lot of fun, and didn't notice the small pug that was watching the activities until time to send the students home. When he did notice, he rolled his eyes and walked over to where the dog was sitting. "Hello, Pakkun," he said, his voice just barely tinged with annoyance.

Pakkun looked at him curiously, as if he were some new species. Then he said, "So, my master is an idiot."

Iruka nodded. "Yeah, what's your point?"

"He wanted me to come play cute with you and see if I could lure you into seeing him tonight. But I don't play cute, especially not for his current motives"

Iruka sighed. All this time to himself that he was supposed to have with his new schedule sounded less appealing suddenly. Then he realized he was standing in front of an excellent source of information, and squatted down to be closer to the dog. "So why isn't he busy with missions?" he asked.

Pakkun looked at Iruka blankly for a moment, and then growled. "He's been scooping up just about every high-level mission he could get his hands on since his team fell apart. Tsunade-sama wanted him to take a break. Unfortunately for you, that means he has plenty of time to follow you around and make moony eyes at you."

"Oh," said Iruka, processing the information slowly. "So, is he at home?"

"You're really going to go see him?" said Pakkun incredulously.

Iruka nodded. "I am, actually."

"Humans," said Pakkun, and the word sounded like a curse. "He's at home, waiting for me to come back and tell him you won't see him so he can go waste his night standing in front of that damned stone."

"He should have more faith. Tell him that I'll be there in a little bit. I just want to go home and change, and then we'll have dinner together or something," said Iruka. The dog didn't give him an answer, just bolted away, and Iruka shook his head.

Iruka wasn't quite sure what to wear. He didn't really want to wear his uniform, but he didn't want to look like he had dressed up for a date either. Finally he settled for wearing a fresh pair of uniform pants with a dark green t-shirt, and no vest or leaf headband. He wasn't quite sure why he had agreed to see Kakashi, but he had a feeling it had something to do with the other man's confession that everything he did seemed a gift to him. He could give Kakashi this, his time, especially when it was rather nice for him to have some adult conversation for once.

The walk to Kakashi's place passed quickly, and soon Iruka was knocking on his door. Kakashi answered too quickly, almost as if he had been standing there waiting. He was dressed in his uniform, minus the vest, and as soon as he had closed the door behind Iruka, he discarded his mask. Iruka wondered at this, at how the man always exposed himself in this way in his company. It was both scary and flattering.

"Dinner's almost ready," Kakashi said, leading Iruka into the kitchen.

"Can I help with anything?" asked Iruka. That last word didn't come out quite right, his mind turning the word "anything" into something totally different since the time Kakashi had said it to him.

Kakashi looked at him a little strangely, but didn't comment. Instead, he merely shook his head and indicated that Iruka should sit, which he did. They had easy conversation while Kakashi finished up the cooking, and dinner wound up going smoothly. It was again delicious, and Iruka found himself thinking he could get used to this kind of cooking all the time. If he were going to be involved with Kakashi, which he wasn't of course.

After dinner was finished and the dishes cleared away, Kakashi and Iruka stood awkwardly in the kitchen. "I really didn't have a plan, because I really didn't think you'd come," Kakashi said quietly, a slight frown on his face.

Iruka took a step forward, closer to the silver-haired ninja. His eyes took in the frown, the vulnerability, the simplicity with which the other man admitted his insecurity. "It's okay, Kakashi. I'm here now, and it doesn't matter that you don't have a plan. What do you like to do?"

Kakashi shrugged. "It doesn't matter, as long as I'm with you."

"That's very flattering, but not particularly helpful," said Iruka, keeping his voice carefully calm.

"I'm sorry," replied Kakashi. "I just can't think so well right now." His eyes seemed to be carefully measuring the distance between them, and Iruka realized when he had stepped forward, he had moved rather close to Kakashi. He was tempted to step away, but stood his ground instead.

"You seem to have a lot of movies and music, so you like those things, right?" prompted Iruka.

"You didn't watch the movie last time. You just pretended to," argued Kakashi.

Iruka blushed. "I was a little distracted, I'll admit."

Kakashi thought for a second, then seemed to come to a decision. He moved past Iruka out the kitchen door, brushing up against him as he did so. Iruka shivered, and then followed, and watched as Kakashi pulled out a CD and slipped it in the player. The music was modern and upbeat, and Iruka found he was surprised that Kakashi would like such music. He settled comfortably onto the couch, noticing that Kakashi carefully didn't sit too close to him this time.

They didn't talk much, other than about the music, but it didn't seem an uncomfortable silence. Kakashi had removed his hitae-ate at some point, and lay back with eyes closed, listening and occasionally making an observation. He seemed so removed at that moment from his playful teasing persona, or his cold efficient one, or the new love-struck pathetic one Iruka had seen. In that moment, Iruka found he was tempted, thinking that he really did find Kakashi attractive, and it wouldn't hurt to go to bed with him once or something… except it wouldn't be fair, and he knew it, so instead of asking he turned away and closed his own eyes.

He woke to Kakashi hovering over him, calling his name. Iruka jumped, nearly falling off the couch as he did so, and reached for a weapons pouch he wasn't actually carrying at the moment. Kakashi's eyes followed the motion, and he stepped away from the couch. "I'm sorry, you fell asleep on me," he said.

Iruka looked around, orienting himself. "That makes me look like a pretty bad shinobi, doesn't it?" he said with a wry laugh.

"It means you trust me, doesn't it?" asked Kakashi, his face serious.

Iruka thought about that one for a moment. "Yes, I suppose I do trust you." Then he remembered his moment of temptation earlier, and felt a little guilty. Here he had been thinking about how he could use this man's feelings to get him into bed, and Kakashi had acted completely honorably towards him this entire time, if pathetically. He wanted to apologize, but figured it would only make him look crazy, since Kakashi couldn't exactly see inside his head.

"You should probably go home if you're that tired," Kakashi offered. "I can walk with you?"

Iruka checked the time. It was only 8pm, and he wasn't really ready to call it a night yet. On the other hand, Kakashi had offered him the perfect excuse to escape without hurting the other man's feelings. Iruka weighed his options for a moment, and then shifted on the couch, and said, "Sit back down with me for a bit, please."

Kakashi moved slowly, settling himself carefully onto the couch next to Iruka. There wasn't any music playing anymore, but he didn't move to start it again. He didn't do anything, just looked at Iruka with that one dark eye, and Iruka realized he had replaced his headband over the Sharingan at some point, probably while Iruka had been asleep. "I'm sorry," said Kakashi, when he realized he was staring.

Iruka shrugged. "Don't worry about it. You're not making me uncomfortable tonight. Actually, I'm really enjoying being close to you tonight."

A look of pain crossed Kakashi's face, as if he didn't believe Iruka, but he didn't argue. He simply sat, at what seemed a carefully measured distance, looking at Iruka as if there was nothing else in his world. Iruka shook his head, sighing, and stood. "Come on, let's go out and have a drink or something, okay?"

Iruka wasn't quite sure why he bothered phrasing it as a question, since as expected Kakashi agreed and moved to follow him. It wasn't like Kakashi would tell him he didn't want to even if it were the case. It was terrifying, he thought, especially considering this man beside him was stronger than he could ever imagine being. He was glad when they were out of the apartment, out in the street where Kakashi wore his mask again, and didn't stare at him.

He led Kakashi through the streets to the bar that his friends were most likely to be at, thinking having other people around might ease some of the tension. The place had a cheery, open exterior, and didn't look anything like the darker, seedier places Kakashi frequented. At this time of evening there were usually a few of Iruka's friends here, but he wasn't having much luck tonight. Mira-sensei saw him as soon as he entered, and made her way over.

"You just missed Kotetsu and Izumo," she said, watching him scan the room. "It's a slow night so far, though I'm sure once it gets later things will be better." She looked over at Kakashi, who was simply standing next to Iruka looking around, as if he were in alien territory or something.

Iruka introduced the two, and Kakashi looked at Mira contemplatively, but only nodded. "What about you, Mira? What are you up to?" asked Iruka.

Mira smiled, and her very bright green eyes lit up. "Actually, I was hoping to find you. I thought we could go out again. Things didn't go quite right last time, but I'd like to give it another shot, since we have so much fun together at work."

To Kakashi's credit, he didn't say anything. He didn't cut in to tell the woman to keep her hands off Iruka, or run away, or even betray his emotions with a shift in his chakra. The only hint of his unhappiness was the tiniest tensing of the muscle of his jaw, and the mask would have hidden that from anyone not looking very closely. Iruka was looking very closely, however, because as soon as he'd realized what Mira was saying, he had wondered how Kakashi would take it.

"That's very kind of you, Mira, but I'm really not available at the moment," Iruka replied slowly.

"Some other time, then?" Mira pressed, leaning a bit closer to Iruka, too close for his comfort.

"No, Mira-sensei, I don't think so. While I very much enjoy working with you, I'm afraid I'm seeing someone else," he said, without looking at Kakashi at all this time. "I should get going, actually. Excuse me," he said, wincing inwardly because he hated being impolite, but he really didn't want to deal with Mira trying to talk him into another date, especially considering he really hadn't enjoyed the last one. Kakashi simply followed him, as expected.

They wandered two streets over and entered a much less cheerful bar, and Iruka stepped back to let Kakashi lead the way inside. Kakashi did so, moving more comfortably in his familiar atmosphere, and before they were even in the door people were waving. Kakashi immediately threaded his way over to a table near the back, where Genma, Raidou, and Anko were seated. Kakashi took his usual seat next to Genma, and then gestured for Iruka to sit down as well. Iruka did so a little uncomfortably, feeling a bit out of place, but Anko immediately popped around the table to sit next to him and grab his arm.

"What are you doing here, Iru-kun?" she asked, hissing.

Kakashi turned in her direction and glared. "Well, we thought we would have a drink, if that's okay with you, Mitarashi?"

Genma chomped down hard on his senbon, recognizing the dangerous tone in Kakashi's voice. "Of course it's fine with her, Kakashi, but we're not used to seeing the good schoolteacher in a place like this," he said smoothly.

Anko nodded, giving Iruka a look that meant he was definitely going to be explaining this later. Then she ordered him his favorite drink, ignoring Kakashi's attempts to protest that he was buying for Iruka. Luckily, no bloodshed came out of it, and the five managed to drink and chat comfortably for a while. Iruka was rather glad of Anko's presence, because he didn't really know Genma or Raidou well, and hanging out with Kakashi's friends at a bar usually frequented by Jounin wasn't something he was really all that comfortable with in general.

An hour later, Iruka's head was comfortably buzzing, and he turned to tell Kakashi he was ready to go. It seemed Kakashi read his mind, because he immediately stood. "Well, I can't keep the schoolteacher out late," he said with a grin. "See you guys later. Don't die."

Iruka's eyes widened, but the other occupants of the table responded with the same sentiment, even Anko, whose arm he had to pry his out of when he stood. Outside, in the cooling night air, he stopped and leaned back against the wall for a second. "Don't die?" he asked softly.

Kakashi shrugged. "It's an old habit. I don't even remember where it started anymore." A pause. "What was up with Anko trying to crawl into your skin?"

Iruka laughed. "I'm her pet Chuunin, apparently. I was nice to her when she first… came back, and we've been friends ever since. She tends to be kind of overprotective of me."

Kakashi nodded, then lapsed into silence. Iruka led the way towards his apartment, but rather than saying goodnight at the door, he led Kakashi inside and then out onto a small balcony, where they sat. The wind blew insistently, but Iruka found it soothing against his skin, after the close atmosphere of the bar they'd been in. Iruka could tell from Kakashi's expression that he hadn't expected to be invited in, and once again Iruka found himself unconsciously giving Kakashi a "gift".

"Why did you tell that teacher that you were seeing someone?" Kakashi asked. "Are you seeing someone?"

Iruka shrugged. "I don't know. Am I?"

Kakashi's dark eye widened. "Surely you didn't mean me. I'm not stupid enough to think you're actually dating me."

Another shrug from Iruka. "That's what it looks like, doesn't it? And wouldn't you like that?"

Kakashi sighed, leaning back in his chair and reaching up to pull down his mask and rub his hand over his face. "I know I said I would accept anything you were willing to give me, but surely you're not going to go out with me out of pity, are you?"

"Not pity," said Iruka softly, so soft he could barely even hear himself. "I enjoy your company, Kakashi. I realized it when Mira was asking me out, that the only basis she had for that was that she enjoyed my company. I don't have to be in love with you for us to date, and just see where it goes."

Kakashi looked up at Iruka then, a soft smile on his face, and suddenly he was out of his chair and kneeling on the ground in front of Iruka, his head resting on Iruka's knee. The gesture reminded Iruka eerily of a dog, and he wasn't sure how to react. Finally, he reached out a tentative hand and just stroked Kakashi's hair, and they sat there like that for a few moments. Then Iruka said, "Kakashi, I really do need to get to bed."

Kakashi stirred, and stood up slowly, pulling himself away. "Thank you for tonight," he said simply, as they made their way back through the apartment to the door.

"You're welcome," replied Iruka. "I'm going to be busy for a few days, but… I can see you Saturday if you like."

Kakashi nodded and smiled. "I'd like that," he said softly. He leaned in as if he might kiss Iruka, but seemed to lose his nerve, and just stood very close. Iruka let him do so for a moment, then gently pushed the other man away, with a firm, "Good night, Kakashi."

"Good night, Iruka," replied Kakashi, on his way out the door. His looked happier than Iruka had ever seen him, and Iruka wondered just what kind of mess he had gotten himself into. If he never returned Kakashi's feelings, and things between them wound up going nowhere… what would that do to Kakashi now?


	5. Chapter 5: Gray

5: Gray

_When I say that I am gray, you think that I mean dull, but I am the gray of stormclouds, of mysterious stone monoliths, of emotions yet undefined._

Kakashi needed advice. He knew he did, but the problem was who to ask. None of his friends were likely to particularly understand his predicament, really. Genma would say there were plenty more fish in the sea and he should find one that actually liked him instead, Raidou would say that his relationship was likely an unhealthy thing given the unequal status of it, and Asuma would smile and think about his own love and say Kakashi just hadn't found "the one" yet. So he settled on asking Gai, because whether Gai understood or not, he would help Kakashi think things through at least.

That meant getting to the spandex-clad freak to realize he was serious, of course. And probably giving in to a challenge in return for the advice, Kakashi realized. He weighed the options carefully, but came back to the idea that he had to ask Gai.

Maito Gai was never a hard man to find in Konoha. Between his gaudy clothing, his loud speeches, and his "manly tears", you could usually find him pretty quickly. Not to mention that quite often he would be in the place everyone else was running away from. So Kakashi managed to meet up with him at one of the training grounds early the next morning, after steeling himself for the encounter.

"Yo, Gai," he said, coming up behind the man who was vigorously kicking a target dummy that had definitely seen better days.

The big man turned, and his face lit up. "Oh, My Eternal Rival, have you come to challenge me to a contest of youthfulness and vitality? Shall we strive in the early morning sun to prove our worth as men and warriors?"

"Maybe later," said Kakashi, and kept talking before the "hip and cool" commentary could be made. "Actually, I'm coming to you for advice," he admitted, trying hard to maintain his cool composure.

He must have failed miserably, because rather than arguing him, Gai walked over to him with a concerned look on his face. "What can I help you with, Kakashi?" he said, in an almost normal tone.

The two men seated themselves on the ground, and Kakashi found himself fidgeting, playing with the grass that grew there. "Have you ever been in love, Gai?" he asked finally.

Gai raised one massive eyebrow and thought for a moment before answering. "I was actually, but the woman I loved has passed on, and the affair we had wasn't one that would do honor to her memory to speak of."

Normally this insight into Gai's history would have made Kakashi very curious, but at the moment he merely nodded. "I'm in love, and it's not a very nice feeling," said Kakashi.

Gai took another moment to think on that one. "Love should always be a nice feeling by itself. It's the circumstances surrounding that love that can hurt us. What are the circumstances?"

"He doesn't love me," said Kakashi glumly. "Part of me wishes he didn't know I love him. I didn't mean to tell him, but I couldn't resist teasing him, and I guess it just became more and more apparent."

"Iruka-sensei?" Gai asked perceptively. When Kakashi shot him a confused look, he laughed. "Well, you do tease him a lot. Anyway, you say he doesn't love you, but he knows you love him. How did he react to that?"

Kakashi shrugged. "That's the hard part. He admits he doesn't feel the same way I do, and yet sometimes he acts as if he does. He's not doing it on purpose, I'm fairly sure of that. I think it started with him just wanting to be nice, but I made a mistake…" Kakashi trailed off, and Gai waited patiently for him to continue. Finally, he said, "I told him that I saw every single thing he did with me a gift, whether it was spending time with me, or smiling at me, or whatever. So he sees it that way now himself, and I think he's thinking 'I can give this' and then doing things, even though he might not want to."

Gai's look of concern deepened. "Kakashi, what kind of things?"

Kakashi laughed. "Nothing sexual, if that's what you're thinking. No Icha Icha action, though of course I wouldn't mind having some of that with him. But every moment he's had free over the past few days he has spent with me, and he lets me… be close to him. It's eerie, like being in a relationship without really being in one. But I can't stop, can't keep myself from just tagging along after him taking whatever he'll give me. I want to stop. I want to tell him that I don't need him, that I can live without him and get over this pathetic crush on my own. But I'm not so sure that's true. Besides, last night a girl asked him out, a fellow teacher that I guess he had gone on a date with before, and he said he was seeing someone. Later, he asked if we were together, if I wanted us to be, and I guess that means we are now."

The anger marring Gai's strong features was formidable. "So let me get this straight. First you say he doesn't love you, and now you say he's going out with you, and it still doesn't feel good to you. These are not the actions of an honorable man, Kakashi. As much as I hate to say bad things about the highly respected Sensei, I think he is using you in entirely the wrong way."

"Logic tells me the same thing, Gai, but you didn't see his face. He honestly seems to be confused over the whole situation, and his argument for us going out was that the girl who asked him out did so because she liked his company, not because she was in love with him. He thinks perhaps it's enough to make a start, and it's not like he's asking for anything at all in return. He hasn't asked me for anything, Gai!"

"Then why are you still upset?"

"I don't know!" shouted Kakashi, losing his cool suddenly. He caught himself and lowered his voice, continuing "I don't know why I'm so upset. I've been dreaming about this man for months now, thinking about him, and now he's started paying attention to me, and all I can think is how much it hurts. I will accept whatever he gives me, I know that. I will wait and wait and dog his heels for the rest of my life if I have to. And I hate that. Do you know how much I hate myself right now?"

"You have nothing to be ashamed of," declared Gai. "Love can bring even the strongest of men to their knees, and you are no exception. You have already made your choice, though, Kakashi, and therefore have no true need of my advice. You will accept what he gives you, you will wait for him, and nothing anyone says could stray you from that course." It was almost like a switch was flipped then, because suddenly Gai was on his feet doing his nice-guy pose. "I will cheer for you as you fight for love, My Eternal Rival, I will support you on your path to youthful happiness! For now, let us commence with a challenge, in the name of love!"

Several hours and many bruises later, Kakashi was standing in front of the Memorial Stone. The challenge of the day had been chakra-less cliff climbing, and it had been rather fun, he'd had to admit. Gai had won, of course, which was fine with Kakashi. Kakashi didn't even bother keeping score anymore, trusting his "rival" to do so, and accepted defeat with his usual nonchalance.

The skies were gray, and Kakashi's soul felt gray as well, as if all the color had somehow been washed out of him. It shouldn't feel this way, he thought, now that he was finally getting what he wanted. Iruka was his, or claimed to be at least. They were dating now, Iruka said so. He was going to see him Saturday, and Saturday was only a few days away, and then Iruka wouldn't run away from him as he had before. So why did Kakashi feel so gray? Was it because he knew Iruka still didn't love him, or because he wondered if Iruka was just letting his kindness take precedence over what he really wanted? And how far would Iruka go to be kind, if he didn't really want this at all? A pity fuck? Weeks or months or years of his life wasted in a one-sided relationship? How far would Iruka go, and what would Kakashi do about it?

Nothing. Kakashi was helpless, and he knew it. He didn't like the feeling. He reached out to trace the familiar names on the stone, and remembered how he had been helpless then too, when everyone he cared about had died. What about now? He cared about people now… his former students, not that it had helped them any. His fellow shinobi, to some extent, his friends. And Iruka. Iruka most of all, if he was honest with himself, and it was Iruka who made him helpless.

Then again, thought Kakashi, smiling to himself and turning away from the stone, it was sometimes also Iruka that made him strong. Even before Iruka had realized Kakashi's feelings for him, a simple smile from the man had been enough to make the toughest mission bearable, and without those smiles and the moments of teasing and playfulness, Kakashi didn't think he could have made it through losing his students. So surely Iruka could continue to make him strong, even if things didn't turn out quite right.

Arriving home, he summoned Pakkun just to keep him company. They spent the afternoon playing, in a way they hadn't done in years, and when evening came Kakashi found himself collapsing into bed feeling happier than he had in a while. After all, Iruka was warming up to him, he was sure of it, and as Gai had pointed out, now that he had chosen his path there was no point in lamenting it. So their relationship wasn't ideal, and perhaps there were things about it that weren't quite right. But not everything was black and white, and Kakashi was quite fond of the color gray, when he thought about it.


	6. Chapter 6: Sun

6: Sun

_We bask in the warmth of the sun, and it burns us, and still we smile._

The next couple of days passed far too slowly for Iruka. He felt bored, as if suddenly he didn't know what to do with himself. He taught his classes, did his work for Tsunade, trained, went home, and even had a drink with Kotetsu, and it all seemed kind of tedious.

Saturday morning, however, did not begin tediously. Waking up with a kunai to your throat is never tedious, however unwelcome a condition it might be. Iruka lay very still, his eyes still closed, trying to come to full attention so that he could plan his move well. Before he could truly panic however, the familiar voice intruded on his thoughts. "Wake up and tell me what's going on, Iru-kun."

Iruka sighed inwardly and opened his eyes, but still didn't move. A twitchy woman with a sharp blade at your jugular is bad news, whether she intends to use it or not. "Damn you, Anko, can't you be a little less dramatic? Get your blade out of my face and I'll tell you, okay?"

The kunai moved away, and Iruka was allowed to sit. He glared daggers at the purple-haired kunoichi in front of him, but she merely shrugged. "You should go on a mission once in a while, you're too soft. I'm just trying to sharpen your senses, that's all." Her feral grin said otherwise, said that she just got too much amusement out of scaring Iruka this way, but he shrugged it aside.

"What is it you want to know, Anko-chan?" he asked, though he already knew what she was going to ask. It was a stall, to give him a moment to decide what to tell her.

"Why were you in our bar with Kakashi the other night, and why did he look like he was going to kill me when I touched you?" she asked.

Iruka shrugged. "It seems like a fairly obvious answer to me. I'm going out with him."

Anko's eyes went wide, and the kunai still in her hand waved around dangerously. "Are you kidding? You can't go out with Kakashi! He's almost as crazy as I am! Besides, you should date someone whose life is a little less dangerous, and someone who isn't going to break you someday when you realize they can't love you the way you love them."

Iruka laughed then, so hard that he fell over, and couldn't breathe. His friend sat staring at him, shocked, and finally came to herself when the kunai she was holding wound up raking across Iruka's cheek. His laughter didn't stop, and she put the weapon away quickly, and tried to calm her friend down. When he could finally speak, he said, "You've got it backwards, Anko-chan. Totally backwards. He's in love with me, can you believe it? He's been teasing me for months because he's in love with me, and I'm the one who can't love him back properly."

Anko didn't know what to say. She sat there on Iruka's bed, staring at him, and then finally said in a shocked tone, "Kakashi is in love with you?" Then a pause, and "You can't do that to him. He'll kill you someday, if you play him like that!"

Iruka shook his head emphatically. "I'm not playing anyone! I'm trying to sort things out! What was I supposed to do, just say 'Oh, that's nice' and get on with my life? He's nice and I like him. I don't love him, but he knows that, and I haven't done anything wrong. We only decided we were going out that night, after the bar, and even then we talked about it, and he knows exactly how I feel." He counted to ten, determined to calm down. "I don't play with people's feelings, Anko."

The kunoichi sighed. "No, Iru-kun, usually you're the one on the other side of that. That's exactly why I worry you might fall into that trap, though, because you might see it as some kind of way to get back at people who played with you."

"That's not in my nature, and you know it," he said a little too cheerfully. "Now get the hell out of my bed, because I have work to do today, and a date… sometime. Which I have to find Kakashi to plan."

Anko laughed and grinned her feral grin again, but got out of the bed as ordered. "Anytime in the next four hours or so, you know exactly where to find him Morbid bastard. Good luck with that one, Iruka, and try not to break him too badly. He's a rather valuable weapon." With that, she turned and dropped backwards out Iruka's window.

Hearing Kakashi referred to as a valuable weapon not to be broken tugged at Iruka's heart. Shinobi were weapons, he knew that, he knew that he himself was a weapon of a sort. But they were also human, and he promised himself that he would remember that, especially in terms of Kakashi. With that thought, he got out of bed to get ready for his day. He didn't find the scratch on his cheek until he was putting his hair up in the mirror, and he reminded himself to punch Anko next time he saw her while he bandaged it.

He stopped by the Memorial on his way to the Hokage Tower, and sure enough, the man he was looking for waited there. "Looking for me?" he asked without looking up, and Iruka was hit with a wave of déjà vu.

"Actually I was," he replied this time. "I was wondering what time you were free."

Kakashi did look up at that. "Anytime."

"I have stuff to do for Tsunade, but I'll be done by noon," Iruka said, smiling. "It's nice out today, and didn't you say something about a picnic the other day?"

Kakashi nodded. "A picnic with Iruka. I would love that." He strode over to where Iruka was standing, and looked at him carefully. "What happened to your cheek?"

Iruka rolled his eyes. "Anko. Kunai. Stupidity. She felt the need to wake me up and interrogate me this morning, and it got a little out of hand. Don't worry about it, it's just a scratch. She's my friend, so don't get upset with her over it."

Kakashi shrugged. "Not my business, I guess, but it better just be a scratch. I don't like anyone hurting you."

Iruka smiled. "Thank you." His eyes were sad, though, and he was thinking that he didn't like himself much right now for hurting Kakashi. "Anyway, picnic! I can come by your place after work, or you can pick me up on my way out…?"

"I'll take care of the food. I'll just grab you on your way out of the Tower, okay? Noon, you said?" Iruka nodded. "Great! See you then!" They stood for a moment, and then Iruka said goodbye and headed off toward the Tower, thoughtfully.

Working with Tsunade was always an experience. First, the woman didn't really want to do any work, so there were the protests and attempts to get out of it. Second, she might seem like a total flake sometimes, but the Fifth Hokage was actually quite perceptive. Lately she had been carefully tossing comments about Kakashi in Iruka's general direction, watching for a reaction. He figured it was just a way to make the work fun for herself, but it was starting to get a little old. He was glad when all the paperwork was over with and Tsunade was happily drowning herself in sake, despite the early hour, and sighed a huge sigh of relief as he exited the Tower.

He looked around. No Kakashi. Of course, Kakashi did tend to be late, but somehow Iruka had assumed the other man's obsession with him would override that. Still, he waited a few minutes, which became half an hour, which became an hour. Finally, he was just getting ready to go looking for Kakashi when the man appeared before him, in uniform but holding a picnic basket and blanket. "Sorry I'm late, but I found a hungry bear and had to defend our lunch."

Iruka thought about that one for a second, and then shook his head. "Doesn't matter. Let's go. Picnic." They wound their way wordlessly through the forest to the same place where they had been twice before, and laid out their picnic just as silently. The sun was bright and warm, and Iruka shed his vest and long-sleeved shirt before he sat, revealing a mesh shirt underneath. The action was completely natural for him, and he didn't realize for a moment that Kakashi was staring at him. He blushed.

Kakashi pulled down his mask and smiled easily as he took a seat next to Iruka.. "You look so nice when you blush."

Iruka punched him lightly on the shoulder. "It's not fair," he muttered. "I can't help it that I blush so easily."

"And I can't help it that I enjoy it so much," countered Kakashi with a wink. Then they were eating, and neither spoke again for a while, enjoying the company and the food in silence.

Later, Iruka found himself leaning back on the blanket, smiling drowsily. "It's a beautiful day. The most beautiful weather I've seen lately, I think.."

Kakashi shook his head, leaning back as well so that he could see Iruka's face as they spoke. "No, it's always beautiful. The rain, the fog, the clouds, the sun… it's all the same sky, and all beautiful in different ways. You just have to learn to see it properly."

"Maybe I need some practice," Iruka admitted. "I enjoy the sun so much, sometimes I wish I could always have it." He raised a hand before Kakashi could say anything. "Yes, I know, it would be an environmental disaster. I am a schoolteacher, I know science. That doesn't mean I have to always be rational."

Kakashi laughed. "I don't have much room to talk when it comes to being rational lately, do I?"

"Only lately?" Iruka asked teasingly.

Kakashi mock-frowned, and then said, "I'll have you know that most of the time I am a very rational human being. Just because other people can't keep up with my logic doesn't mean my logic is at fault… it merely means no one is smart enough. I only lose my mind when…" he trailed off there, merely looking at Iruka, who had rolled over to face him and was smiling at him. Not in his direction, not at the world in general, but right at Kakashi.

"When what, Kakashi?"

Kakashi shook his head. "You. Just you. Anyhing you do."

There was that word again. _Anything. _It seemed to be Kakashi's favorite word to use when talking to Iruka. Iruka could have _anything_ he wanted, and _anything_ he did affected Kakashi greatly. Kakashi had relinquished all control to him, in a way Iruka couldn't imagine ever doing. Before it had been frightening, tempting, saddening, and worrying, but now Iruka was starting to think it was beautiful. He remembered the last time he had seen Kakashi, how Kakashi had so simply laid his head on Iruka knee and let him pet him, and suddenly that gesture held a meaning for him it hadn't before.

He leaned forward a little more, closing the space between them, and softly placed a kiss on the pale man's lips, which were indeed as soft as he had thought them to be when he first saw them, that first time Kakashi had shed his mask for him. The kiss was light, just the barest of pressure, but he held it for a long moment. When Iruka finally did pull away, it was a slight distance, just enough to see Kakashi's face.

"Iruka?" breathed Kakashi, so still that it seemed as if he was afraid to move.

"Kakashi?" Iruka countered, still leaning in close. "If you say thank you, I'm going to kill you," he added. The guilty look Kakashi gave him confirmed that these had indeed been the words he'd been thinking. Iruka laughed lightly, and then leaned in for another kiss. This one was a bit bolder, and Iruka parted Kakashi's lips gently with his tongue, deepening the kiss.

Kakashi tasted good, he decided. And now that he was finally hesitantly kissing back, it was overall a very nice kiss. Iruka finally broke it reluctantly and pulled away a bit further this time. Iruka's intelligent mind was chewing away at a new problem: did kissing Kakashi feel nice because he liked Kakashi, or because he knew how much Kakashi loved him, or because he was just plain attracted to the man? And how much did the reasons matter, with Kakashi now smiling dreamily at him?

The two men lay there for a moment, staring at each other across a couple of inches that seemed to be miles, on the same picnic blanket but somehow living in two entirely different worlds emotionally. Then Kakashi reached out a hand, hesitantly, and closed the gap, resting it lightly on Iruka's cheek. Iruka turned his head and kissed his hand, before reaching up to take it in his own.

"I don't understand, Iruka," said Kakashi quietly, after a moment.

Iruka laughed. "I don't either. I'm tired of thinking so much."

Kakashi moved closer, closing the gap between them with his whole body this time, rather than just his hand. "If you want me to help you not think, we should probably go somewhere more private for that. It is broad daylight after all, and I know you're not that naughty, Iruka-sensei" he whispered, leaning over to kiss Iruka's neck. Iruka let him, for just a moment, gave in to the sensation.

"Kakashi, don't," he said finally, steeling his resolve. "I didn't mean it like that." Kakashi looked sad, and then buried his head in Iruka's neck. Sighing, Iruka freed his hand and reached up to pet Kakashi's hair. "It's okay, I'm not upset with you, but I don't want that from you. Well, I do want that from you, I think, but not for reasons I can accept yet."

"You don't make much sense, and you do think too much," Kakashi accused, his voice muffled by the fact his head was still buried.

"Come on, Kakashi, let's go to your place, okay?" he said softly, and Kakashi, as expected, merely agreed and did as he was told. He gathered up Iruka's vest and overshirt but didn't give them back to Iruka to put on, simply folding them away with the blanket and everything else. Iruka felt a little strange inviting himself into someone else's home that way, but he didn't want to go home and then find himself getting too comfortable. He couldn't afford to be too comfortable with Kakashi right now, or he would do something he would regret.

It didn't work quite as planned. Kakashi's place was comfortable too, and he was starting to feel almost at home there. He picked out music to play and started it without asking permission. He asked Kakashi for something to drink, and Kakashi warmed sake for them without comment at the extent to which Iruka was making himself comfortable. And once the drinks were sitting on a low table in Kakashi's living room, Iruka found himself sitting back in the corner of the couch and inviting Kakashi into the circle of his arms, holding him there as if they were any other couple, as if there were some kind of deeper connection between them he really wasn't sure he felt.

A couple of cups of sake later found Iruka kissing Kakashi again, insistently this time, and Kakashi responding eagerly. He finally got the nerve to run his hands under the mesh shirt Iruka was still wearing, across that tan chest he'd been admiring all afternoon. It took another moment for him to get Iruka out of it, so that he could fully explore that area with his mouth as well, happy that Iruka wasn't stopping him.

Iruka lost his willpower at this point. He didn't stop Kakashi as he kissed his way down Iruka's body, didn't stop him as he started working on divesting Iruka of his uniform pants. Kakashi's expression was so worshipful, so grateful, that Iruka quite simply couldn't make himself move to stop the man's actions. He simply lay there watching, experiencing, as Kakashi trailed kisses all over his body, and then softly licked at his cock, looking up as if asking permission. Iruka nodded, feeling both wretched and generous somehow, and Kakashi smiled and went to work with his mouth in earnest.

It was, without question, the most amazing blow job Iruka had ever had. Kakashi wasn't just working to get him off quickly, nor was he acting as if he was leading up to something else. He was simply in this moment, doing everything within his power to give Iruka pleasure. He gently cupped Iruka's balls with his hand, stroking a thumb along the sac, as his tongue worked its magic, swirling around the tip of Iruka's dick. Every movement was slow and meticulous, and every moment Kakashi had his eye on Iruka, watching for reactions. When he finally took the member into his mouth fully, Iruka gasped, and watched entranced as that talented mouth devoured him. The heat of Kakashi's mouth and the intensity of his actions was almost too much for Iruka, and he found himself thrusting up into the man's mouth insistently. Kakashi merely let him do so, and when he finally released into the back of his throat with a low moan, Kakashi swallowed easily.

Iruka lay, basking in his orgasm, and Kakashi merely kneeled there between his legs on the couch, smiling. Then reality hit, and Iruka said, "Kakashi…" then paused.

Kakashi shook his head, moving up Iruka's body to rest his head on the other man's chest. "I wanted to. Don't give me that guilty look, please. Just let me lay here with you for a moment, and then if you like you can get dressed, and you can leave if you want to." So Iruka wrapped his hands in Kakashi's silver hair and let the wave of calm overwhelm him.


	7. Chapter 7: Words

7: Words

_Actions might speak louder than words, but sometimes a single word can speak volumes if spoken by the right person, at the right time, in the right tone._

Kakashi finally eased away from Iruka of his own volition. He was still almost fully dressed, having only taken off his vest and shoes when he entered his home. It was a strange contrast, looking down at the naked man lying on his couch while fully dressed. Normally it would have given him a feeling of power and dominance, but in this case it didn't quite. His own erection was still begging for attention, but he said nothing, asked for nothing. What he had been allowed to do was more than enough for him, more than he had expected. When Iruka didn't show any signs of moving to get up, Kakashi sat cross-legged on the floor next to the couch so he could look at his… lover?... without hovering over him.

"Iruka, are we…?" he paused, realizing he had no idea what to call this relationship. Iruka had said they were together, he reminded himself firmly, but he couldn't quite accept it somehow.

Iruka's eyes had been half-closed in a peaceful state of drowsiness, but at Kakashi's words he opened them fully and looked at Kakashi. His expression changed to a heartbreaking mix of gratitude, bliss, regret, guilt… it didn't fit him at all, Kakashi thought. This man always smiled even when he was sad, always laughed no matter what the stakes, and this expression wasn't right. "Are we what?" asked Iruka, his voice holding a calm that wasn't in his expression.

"What are you to me? Are you my friend? My boyfriend? My lover? You let me…" he cut himself off before he could say anything lewd that would just make Iruka blush and sputter and likely yell. As fun as that was, it wasn't conducive to getting his question answered. "I mean, you said we were together, but you said 'dating' which is a very flexible word."

Kakashi waited patiently while Iruka thought about that one. He tried to be discreet as his eyes traveled over the expanse of bronze skin still showing… he'd never really seen Iruka naked before this, and he wasn't sure he'd get to see it again. He was quite surprised the usually modest man hadn't moved to cover himself up yet.

"Kakashi, just look with the other eye too already and get it over with, will you?" said Iruka, sounding cross. Apparently Kakashi hadn't been as discreet as he'd thought. Well, he figured, it had solved his staring problem before, so he flipped the hitae-ate off and stared for a long moment with both eyes, then closed the right one. It helped a little he thought, but anyone would still want to look at the beautiful man lying before him, and he wasn't sure how long that one good look would last him.

Another moment passed, and then Iruka drew in a deep breath. His eyes held a seriousness that scared Kakashi, and when he spoke, it was in a warm but firm voice. "I would hope that I am your friend, if nothing else. Even when I thought you were only teasing me, I wanted to be your friend. When I said 'dating', I think I meant it in a more casual way at the time, but now I don't think that's really a possibility." Kakashi's face fell, but Iruka rolled over and reached out with one arm so that he could lay a hand gently on Kakashi's leg. "Let me finish, Kakashi, please. I don't think it would be possible for us to date casually, because your feelings are going to have the same intensity no matter what we call the relationship. And whether I've made an actual commitment or not, I don't play the field while seeing someone. So either you're my boyfriend, or you're not, and that's up to you. As for the lover part… I don't feel comfortable with you calling me that. What just happened, it was nice, but…"

Kakashi gave Iruka another moment to continue, but he was silent. "So you're my boyfriend," Kakashi said lightly, smiling.

Iruka nodded, smiling back, but then his expression grew dark again. The hand resting on Kakashi's leg traveled up to lightly brush across his groin before settling on his thigh again. "I didn't even touch you," Iruka said softly.

Kakashi shrugged. "You don't have to. I don't want you to, actually, not right now. It'd be all wrong, like you felt you had to because I did something for you. Leave it, Iruka, I'm a big boy. If I really need to get off that badly, I can do it myself." Iruka merely nodded and smiled, squeezing Kakashi's thigh gently. It felt like an apology, and Kakashi laid his hand over Iruka's. "Why are you lounging on my couch nude?" he asked finally, his curiosity over Iruka's sudden lack of modesty getting the better of him.

Iruka blushed. "It just felt right, I don't know. You make me feel so at home here, I forget I'm not at home." He got up abruptly, locating his pants and mesh shirt and putting them back on, then looked around. "I don't know where you put my other stuff."

"Do you need it now? Are you going home?" asked Kakashi. He didn't want Iruka to leave, but he was determined not to say so. He was already asking for too much, he knew, he'd already crossed the boundaries earlier. He wasn't going to risk doing so again, not for one night.

Iruka seemed to be thinking, and Kakashi wished he'd just make up his mind and stay or go. Kakashi was starting to feel more drained than he'd ever felt in the field, simply exhausted from the sheer effort of caring so much for someone. He wanted to collapse, wanted not to think about it. Instead he waited, watched as Iruka stood thinking, pulling his messy ponytail back into some semblance of order. "No, I don't want to go. I want to have dinner, and maybe play some shogi again, and spend time with you," Iruka said finally.

Kakashi didn't want any of that, except that last one, but he nodded agreeably and stood, running through his mind what he had to make for dinner. Anything, he'd said, after all. Anything, and he'd meant it, and still did.

Two days later found the two of them in Kakashi's favorite bar, this time with Anko, Gai, Asuma, and Kurenai. Both Iruka and Kakashi had dressed in casual civilian clothing for the evening, and Iruka was wearing his hair down for once. Anko's jaw had dropped when they entered, seeing her normally reserved friend dressed in tight jeans and a mesh shirt with his hair down was not normal. She glued herself to his side as soon as he and Kakashi sat down, playing with his hair and hanging on his every word.

Kakashi carefully placed both hands on his beer bottle, resisting the urge to hit the woman. He was pretty sure killing your boyfriend's friends was a good way to lose yourself a boyfriend. So instead he merely made small talk with Gai, trying to pretend Gai wasn't glaring daggers at Iruka. Asuma and Kurenai looked ready to bolt at any moment, and overall Kakashi had a feeling this wasn't going to be the most fun evening out. Perhaps they should have hung out with Iruka's Chuunin friends instead, he thought, but Iruka had said he wanted to come here.

Just when Kakashi felt he was ready to snap and Asuma was starting to make an excuse to leave, Iruka jerked out of Anko's grip and snarled at her. "Anko-chan, please! Can you not molest me in front of my boyfriend? Or anywhere, for that matter?"

Every eye in the room seemed focused on their table, and Kakashi resisted an urge to laugh. Apparently Kurenai hadn't gotten the hint when they'd come in together, because she was sputtering, "B…boyfriend?" Gai smiled approvingly, though Kakashi doubted this one action would be enough to really redeem Iruka in his eyes.

Anko backed off, muttering an apology, and retreated to the bar to buy another drink. Iruka smiled at Kurenai, and said politely, "Yes, Kakashi and I are dating. I wasn't quite planning on letting everyone know in such a dramatic manner, but apparently Anko is rubbing off on me in more ways than one."

And then everyone was laughing, and Kakashi smiled and put an arm around Iruka, pulling him close. Iruka dropped a kiss on Kakashi's face, just above the point where his mask started. Kurenai was still gaping a bit, as were a few people at tables close to them. Kakashi wanted to play it up, wanted to show off his prize, but he knew what they didn't know… that things weren't quite right between them.

It wouldn't have mattered, he realized, because it wasn't him that people were congratulating. In fact, Iruka was moved out of his reach by the hullabaloo that followed. Everyone seemed to want to tell Iruka how lucky he was to have Kakashi, as if Kakashi were someone special. He didn't understand. These people might be his friends, but because of that they also knew just how broken inside he was. How could they be saying that Iruka was lucky to have him when in reality it was the other way around? How could they think he was anything next to the beautiful man with the kind smile and the cutest scar ever? And couldn't they see the tight muscles easily revealed by his casual clothing?

It was Anko who leaned over Kakashi's shoulder and whispered in his ear, "They don't see what you see, do they? I see it. I see also that he will break you; that he will destroy you in ways you can't even imagine yet, and you will let him. I don't envy you, Hatake Kakashi, though you might think I do. He is my friend, and I love him, but I don't _love_ him, and I'm glad of that."

He turned to see her standing there, so close to him, wearing that bloodthirsty grin of hers. He wanted to shudder, wanted to run, because even though this woman was a part of his circle of friends, she wasn't truly someone he trusted, and she was too close and too dangerous-looking for his comfort. But he was Kakashi, and he had seen worse, so he simply shrugged and whispered back, "Anything for Iruka. It doesn't matter."

It was Anko who shuddered. "I hope for your sake and his that I am wrong about everything I have said. Don't die." Then she was moving away from him, across the room to where she hugged Iruka suddenly and then fled the bar.

Once things finally settled down, Iruka and Kakashi found themselves alone at the table with Gai, Asuma and Kurenai having actually left this time. Kakashi tried to keep the conversation light, hoping Gai wouldn't give away anything about what he had said to him before, but Gai was Gai, and made flowery pointless speeches, so it didn't seem to matter. It was only as they were leaving that Gai pointedly looked at Kakashi and said, "Don't die… and don't make yourself wish you had, any more than you already do."

Iruka raised an eyebrow, but said nothing, and he and Kakashi strolled out of the dark smoky bar and into the street. "Well, that was interesting," said Iruka dryly.

"Interesting, yes. Fun, not necessarily. Why are these people my friends anyway?"

"Because they're the only people who will put up with you?" guessed Iruka with a laugh.

Kakashi glared, but the innocent look Iruka pulled was enough to conquer him. He found himself laughing instead, and he said, "It's still early. Want to see if we can find your friends?"

Iruka shook his head. "No, thank you. I've had quite enough of the bar scene for one night. Why exactly did every single one of your friends feel the need to give me the 'Hurt my friend and I'll rip your guts out' speech?"

Kakashi's jaw dropped. "Is that what was happening there? They all seemed to be talking to you, but it sounded like they were congratulating you or something, which boggled my mind because it's not like we're getting married or something!" That last line hit him too hard, and he couldn't believe he'd said it. Married to Iruka: no, that would _never_ happen.

Iruka didn't seem to notice the change in mood, and answered the question he'd actually asked. "Yeah, some of them disguised it like that, but it was pretty obvious. And Morino-san didn't have to say anything, just looked at me," Iruka shuddered. "You have some very loyal friends, Kakashi, you should be happy of that. And thanks for not killing Anko, she might not seem like much to you, but she's a loyal friend to me."

Kakashi went back over the things Anko had said to him. They hadn't seemed very loyal, but, she wasn't the easiest person to read either. He did know that he didn't want to have to deal with her again anytime soon. "Yeah, no problem," he mumbled aloud, realizing Iruka had been expecting a reply.

He bumped into Iruka, who had suddenly stopped walking and stepped in front of him. Kakashi made himself look up to face those warm dark eyes, and the concern in them hurt him more than anything. How could this man be so damn concerned for him all the time, and then say he didn't love him? Kakashi said nothing, simply stood there bearing the weight of those eyes.

"Are you okay?" came the question, as he had expected, and the weight it added was unbearable.

"No, I'm not," Kakashi choked out, and then his hands were moving, and he was gone. Away from there, away from Iruka, away from everything. He found himself at the Memorial Stone, and leaned his head against the cool stone, his companion for so many years. "What am I doing?" he asked it. "Do I really think I can live this way?" Shuddering, he collapsed to his knees before the stone, feeling sick to his stomach.

Iruka could have found him right away if he wanted to, he knew that. He was grateful that Iruka gave him his space, though. Kakashi dragged himself home morosely, showered, and went to bed. The next morning, he found himself getting up and dressing in his uniform as usual, and wondered why he bothered when Tsunade wasn't letting him take any missions right now anyway. Just because he'd nearly killed himself running one S-rank after another, trying to avoid thoughts of his broken team.

He was just about to head out for his early morning round of mourning when the knock at his door came. He sighed heavily, because there was only one person who would be knocking at his door at this time. He opened the door to find it was indeed Iruka standing there, and pretended to smile.

"You're almost as good at that as I am," Iruka commented, his expression bland. Kakashi said nothing, and Iruka continued. "Have you eaten breakfast yet?" Kakashi shook his head. "Come on, come eat with me."

Kakashi shrugged and followed Iruka to his place, because however much he wanted to, he couldn't make himself say no. He was silent during the entire walk, and silent throughout the meal, and silent as Iruka cleaned up. "Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" asked Iruka finally.

Kakashi shook his head, but spoke anyway. "I couldn't bear it, that was all. You look at me like you care so much sometimes. Last night you were looking at me that way, and it was too much."

Iruka moved to stand behind Kakashi's chair, and laid one hand gingerly on his head. "I'm sorry I hurt you," he said simply.

_He pets me like I pet my dogs,_ Kakashi thought bitterly. He had started that, though, had thrown himself down at Iruka's feet and asked for that touch, accepted it. He remembered, on the balcony, reveling in that touch the first time it was given to him. He couldn't argue it now, and Iruka seemed to be comfortable with it anyway. _Anything_, Kakashi reminded himself.

He'd been wearing his mask through breakfast, eating sneakily under it like he normally did in anyone's company but Iruka's. Reaching up, he pulled the mask from his face, and turned to give Iruka a real smile. "No, it's nothing. Your way of caring about people is part of what I love about you too." He stood and wrapped his arms around Iruka, hugging him tight. The other man hugged back, without hesitation this time, and Kakashi smiled wider. Then he realized something, pulled away, and asked, "Don't you have to work today?"

Iruka blushed. "I called in sick," he admitted. Then he gave an evil grin. "I didn't think calling in 'My _boyfriend _is having a breakdown' would quite cut it."

Kakashi laughed and kissed him. He could do that now, he realized, Iruka let him do that. Not only let him, but returned his kisses at whatever intensity they were offered. He carefully kept his hands around Iruka's waist though, because he knew any other touch wouldn't be accepted. The kiss was enough, he thought, was nice enough. When Kakashi finally pulled away, Iruka said, "So since I'm home sick today, why don't you keep me company?"

Kakashi smiled easily, realizing something that Iruka hadn't said, but had made obvious. Iruka might care about everyone, but he didn't miss work for just anyone. "Of course I will," Kakashi added. "Anything for you."


	8. Chapter 8: Sleep

8: Sleep

_When you can't sleep, nothing else in the world seems to matter. But sometimes your best ideas come to you on those sleepless nights._

Iruka wasn't working as hard as he should be. He knew that. He knew that while he gave his students just as much of his attention as ever, he barely paid attention when it came to most of his other duties. He was so distracted over Kakashi, and he wasn't sure what to make of it. Some days he spent hours daydreaming, thinking what it would be like to truly be in love with his confusing boyfriend. How would he deal with the dangers of the missions Kakashi would eventually go back to doing? How would he deal with the competition he would feel over the amount of Kakashi's attention the dead held, the fact that between mourning and missions there didn't seem to be much "Kakashi" left most of the time?

These thoughts confused Iruka, because these things were already bothering him. At that very moment in fact, he was lying in bed trying to sleep and failing miserably. Why were they bothering him so much if he wasn't in love with the Copy Ninja? Why was he so worried about hurting Kakashi's feelings all the time? Was it really just because he was that nice a guy? Iruka couldn't convince himself of that, but he also couldn't believe that he actually cared that much more for Kakashi than for any of his friends, or his students, or just about anyone he knew for that matter.

It just wasn't fair, he decided. A person should be able to have control over their emotions. He wanted to be in love with Kakashi. He wanted to commit himself fully to the man who had offered himself up so freely. He was definitely attracted to him, and he felt a very strong kinship to him, a shared understanding about life and loss. So why couldn't he just fall in love and get it over with? It boggled his mind, and he wasn't sure how to deal with it.

It was too late to back out, he knew. He couldn't just say, "Sorry, Kakashi, I don't think I can do this after all," and break it off with him. Nor could he pretend feelings he didn't have, not just because Kakashi would know, but also because his own guilt would kill him. So what was there to do but what he was already doing? Sighing, Iruka heaved himself out of bed, convinced he wasn't going to get any sleep after all. He dressed slowly, and walked outside to stare up at the stone faces of the Hokage.

The face of Sandaime almost seemed to stare back at him. What would the Third say to Iruka now, if he were alive? Would he be disappointed in him for putting himself in such a situation? Would he chide him for leading Kakashi on, for punishing himself by going into a relationship that wasn't really what he wanted? What advice would the old man have given him? It was Sandaime who had told him before when he was being used, to grow a spine, to stop dogging someone's heels who didn't really care about him. Would he have told Iruka he was just as bad now, using someone this way?

Iruka turned his face away, feeling sad and ashamed. "Am I using him?" he asked softly. Not for sex, but for companionship perhaps, if nothing else. Shaking his head, Iruka wandered off into the forest, not sure where he was going or what he wanted, but that he couldn't go home.

It didn't take him long to figure out where he was headed. The small clearing had been his special place when he was younger, close to where he had lived with his parents. As usual the stars seemed extra beautiful from that spot, and he wasn't sure why. He threw himself on the grass carelessly, sprawling out on the ground. He wanted to remember playing here as a child, wanted to remember using it for practice during those long Academy days when he was trying to catch up to the prodigies who surpassed him. But the moment he had first brought Kakashi here to watch stars he had brought whole new memories into the place, and instead his mind was filled with the words, "Anything, Iruka, anything at all," and visions of kisses on picnic blankets.

Almost a month had passed since this whole thing started, and life had fallen into a pattern. Almost every evening they were together in some way, even if sometimes it was just Kakashi watching him plan lessons or catch up on other work. Sometimes they went out, either with Kakashi's friends or his, and no one commented any longer on their relationship. When they were alone, Kakashi never wore his mask, and they kissed and held each other easily, but they didn't go any further. Nor did they typically talk about why, though Kakashi still had the bad habit of saying "anything" far too often for Iruka's comfort.

It was starting to feel almost normal, thought Iruka, to be with Kakashi this way. It was starting to feel like something he could just keep doing, a relationship he could be in for the rest of his life. Except that he didn't love him, and he felt guilty for that, and some nights like this one he couldn't sleep. He wondered vaguely if "anything" included getting up in the middle of the night because your boyfriend is pathetic and lonely, decided it did, and plodded off to knock on Kakashi's door.

Kakashi answered in a pair of boxers, an eye patch, and his mask. Iruka suppressed the urge to laugh out loud at what a ridiculous picture that made. Kakashi waved him in wordlessly, plopping himself down on his couch blearily and just looking at Iruka. "Um, hi. Sorry," said Iruka, feeling suddenly very silly.

Kakashi shrugged. "Doesn't matter." He sat as if waiting for Iruka to say something, and when Iruka didn't, he sighed. "Did you wake me up to stare at me? Because if so, I'll go back to sleep, and you can stare at me while I sleep, okay?"

Iruka was quite surprised to have Kakashi talk to him so harshly. He'd gotten so used to the "love-sick Kakashi" persona that he felt he hadn't seen this Kakashi in a while. "I missed you," he said quietly, realizing he had.

It was the wrong thing to say, because instantly the other Kakashi he had glimpsed was gone again. "You did?" asked the imposter Kakashi, the one he'd been dating all this time. He jumped up from the couch and hugged Iruka, far too excitedly. Iruka wasn't sure how to explain what he had meant though, so he merely nodded and hugged the other man back.

"I can't sleep," Iruka said, lamely, wishing he hadn't come here.

Kakashi surprised him though, stepping back and looking at him oddly. "You can't sleep, so you had to make it so I couldn't sleep either, huh? How sweet of you," he said sarcastically.

"You really don't like being woken up, do you?" Iruka asked.

"No, I don't. Not even by you. But I meant it when I said I'd do anything for you, and so if that means being woken up in the middle of the night, so be it. So what can I do to help you sleep so I can go back to sleep?" asked Kakashi, pulling his mask down to show Iruka a wan smile.

Iruka's mind spun. "You're angry at me, now. Yet you're still saying you'll do anything for me?"

Kakashi turned abruptly away, his head drooping. "Did I say the wrong thing again, Iruka? Because I really don't have the energy to worry about saying exactly the right thing to you right now, but I don't want you to be upset with me either. So please just tell me what the right answer is."

Iruka laughed. "I said the same thing to you not too long ago, to tell me what to say to you so you would go away and let me work." Kakashi didn't laugh, though, simply stood there facing away from Iruka, his head bowed and shoulders slumped. Iruka crossed the space between them and wrapped his arms around Kakashi from behind. "Don't say the right things to me, I don't want to hear 'the right things' anymore. Just say whatever you want to say to me."

The pale man in his arms shook. "You really want to hear what I want to say?" Iruka nodded, his cheek moving against Kakashi's. "Anko told me that you would destroy me, that you would break me in ways I could only imagine. And she was right," Kakashi whispered. "But I can't let go of you. This past month we've been acting, pretending to be in a relationship we're really not, and I can't tell you I don't want to anymore. Because I do want to, even if it's just pretending. I can't tell you to leave me, but a part of me keeps wishing you would just decide that on your own, so I can fall apart and get it over with."

"I can't do that," said Iruka, so softly he wasn't sure Kakashi could even hear him. But Kakashi nodded, and slumped even further into his arms. Then, abruptly, he turned to face Iruka, smiling. The sudden change in mood was dizzying.

"Then we'll keep playing this game until you can, and if you never do, I'll play your faithful pet until the end," he said, smiling too brightly. The silver-haired ninja who had commanded fear in the hearts of men since he was only a child himself dropped to his knees, butting his head against Iruka's hand as if he were a dog, begging to be petted.

"Kakashi," said Iruka, his eyes wide, horrified as his hand reached out to pet Kakashi's head of its own accord. "Kakashi, get up, please," he pleaded, his hand still petting Kakashi's head as he said it.

"I have a better idea," Kakashi grinned. "I know how to get you to sleep."

Iruka jumped back before Kakashi could touch him. "What is wrong with you, Kakashi? First you're angry at me, and then you want me to treat you like a dog, and now you want… what? For me to let you suck me off again, without even touching you?" He was yelling now, he knew it, but he couldn't help himself. "Is that really so good for you, Kakashi, to touch me without even getting anything back?"

Kakashi sat back on his knees, his eyes wide, and then smiled broadly. "You yelled at me, Iruka!"

Iruka was quite sure Kakashi had lost his mind at this point. "Yes, I yelled at you. I'm not sorry about it either, because you're being crazy!" He was sure his face was red, but he couldn't help it.

Kakashi laughed. "That's the first time you've yelled at me in forever, Iruka!"

Iruka walked over to the couch and sat, his head buried in his hands. "You always did get off on me yelling at you, didn't you?" To his surprise, Kakashi stood and walked over to him, taking a seat on the couch next to him.

"I've known you liked me for a while now, you know," Kakashi confided.

"Of course I like you! I've always liked you!" Iruka growled. This was really starting to be too much for him, he thought. Maybe Kakashi was trying to push him away somehow with this weird behavior, thinking he could get the whole thing over and done with after all.

"You like me, Iruka," Kakashi said again, looking at Iruka like he was a particularly slow child.

"Yes, I like you!" Iruka shouted. Then his mind caught up. "So you're saying that I like you, and that's enough. That I don't have to be in love with you?"

"Duh," said Kakashi, patting him on the head like Iruka always did to Kakashi. "Why would you have to be in love with me? Why are you so fixated on everything being equal and you feeling the exact same way I do? You don't feel the same way I do. So what? You originally said that you could go out with me because you enjoyed my company, and then somehow it turned into us both sitting around wondering if you were going to fall in love with me. What's the point of that?"

Iruka turned to look at Kakashi, feeling very stupid. "Why do I feel so guilty all the time then?"

Kakashi shrugged. "Everyone feels guilty over things they can't change. I spend half my time standing around mourning for people I can't bring back. It's human nature, and those of us whose lives went horribly wrong just do it more noticeably than everyone else. And those of us who are geniuses think too damn much about all of it."

Iruka smiled and kissed Kakashi, really kissed him, without any hesitation. Kakashi kissed back briefly, and then pulled away. "So, do you think you could sleep now? Because I'm going back to bed, and you can come sleep in my bed with me, or you can sit on my couch all night, or you can get the hell out of my house." His tone was harsh, but his smile was sweet, and Iruka simply stood and followed him as he led the way to his bedroom. He slept with Kakashi's arms around him, and slept better than he had in a long while.


	9. Chapter 9: Power

9: Power

_There are many kinds of power, and sometimes who holds the power is more complicated an issue than it seems. Even more complicated is the issue of whether that power is used for good or ill, and how to tell which is which._

Kakashi was having an excellent morning. He woke to find Iruka propped up on his elbow watching him sleep, which would have been a little disorienting normally, and yet found himself completely calm. "What have we said about staring, Iruka?" he teased.

As expected, the Chuunin blushed, and looked away. Kakashi grinned and kissed the tip of his nose. How exactly a scar on someone's face could make them so irresistible he wasn't sure, but he couldn't resist Iruka's scarred nose. Iruka laughed softly at the gesture, but blushed even an even deeper red. "I don't have the benefit of a special eye technique working for me," Iruka chastised. "I have to figure people out the old-fashioned way."

"If it's a question of figuring me out, I'm simpler than you think," Kakashi responded.

Iruka just shook his head, then pushed himself off the bed. "Come on, I've already made coffee and breakfast. I've been lying here trying to decide if I wanted to wake you."

Breakfast was far more fun than Kakashi knew eating could be. Iruka played host as if he were in his own home rather than Kakashi's, and he kept offering Kakashi things to try, and seemed to be quite intent on figuring out exactly what Kakashi liked best. The Copy Nin had never felt so pampered in his life, and when he commented so, Iruka blushed beautifully and then smiled at him, informing him that was the intention. "You deserve it, you know," Iruka said softly, reaching out his hand… and then drawing it back abruptly.

Kakashi looked at him quizzically. It took a moment for the realization to dawn, but when it did, he laughed. "Go ahead, you know you want to. It doesn't matter anyway. It's not the action that bothers me, just the way it seemed to tie into the whole situation."

So Iruka reached out his hand again, and laid it gently on Kakashi's head, and stroked his hair. "It's irresistible, you know. Because it's such a mess anyway, but it's softer than it looks, and something about you just… screams 'Pet me'. Maybe you spend too much time around dogs," teased Iruka gently, his eyes belying the lightness in his tone, the dark orbs still heavy with guilt.

Yes, it was a beautiful morning, Kakashi decided. It got a little less nice after Iruka went home to get ready for work, but his morning trip to the Memorial Stone included a cheery commentary on the developments in his relationship with Iruka, and afterwards he found himself playing with Pakkun for a couple of hours before even thinking about training.

Afternoon was another story. He had promised to meet Iruka at the school after classes, because amazingly the man had the rest of the day free after school. Kakashi was on time, figuring he might as well keep up the good vibes that were going on between them at the moment. Iruka joined him looking a little tired, and they made their way back to Kakashi's place talking quietly about the events of their separate days.

Kakashi wasn't sure when it changed, or even what it was that changed, only that something wasn't quite right anymore. They were lounging on the couch watching television, some clichéd comedy that was just funny enough to keep them from changing the channel without funny enough to actually demand any real attention. Kakashi had been leaning on Iruka comfortably ever since they arrived, and Iruka had been smiling and laughing and holding onto him as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Then suddenly, something changed, and Iruka was gently pushing him away.

"I'm just a little sore, that's all, hard day at work and all," Iruka said, resettling himself a bit.

It was a lie. Having a hard day at work wasn't a lie, Kakashi was pretty sure of that. But that wasn't why Iruka had pushed him away, and he knew it. He said nothing, though, just settled himself against the back of the couch in a position where he could sit very close to his boyfriend without touching him.

A few minutes later, Iruka stood up and paced around the room. "Can we go out?" he asked. Kakashi nodded, still wondering what was going on but not willing to ask. He should feel like he could ask these things, he thought, but he didn't feel that way. Instead of getting ready to go out, Iruka just shook his head and sat back down. "No, never mind, let's stay in. Come back here, Kakashi, I'm sorry," he offered, holding out his arms for Kakashi to settle back into.

"No," said Kakashi, his voice trembling. The effort the word took was amazing, but he was determined not to let Iruka off the hook that way, not to let a touch he very much wanted distract him from finding out what was going on. "Tell me what's wrong."

Iruka sighed, dropping his arms so that they rested on his knees. "This morning was wonderful, waking up next to you, and spending time with you."

"And that's bad how?" asked Kakashi. He was tired, so tired, but he forced himself to stand up and face Iruka standing, so that he would be in a position that made him feel powerful, even if he knew better.

"It's not. It's wonderful. As soon as I was at school, however, things felt normal again. All my doubts came back. It was as if last night hadn't happened, and this morning hadn't happened, and I was still trying to pretend everything was okay somehow when it really wasn't." Iruka sighed.

Kakashi stood very still. He frowned at Iruka, but said nothing for a long moment. His lean strong form looked ready to burst into action, ready to fight, every muscle tense as if this were a mission and not his personal life. "Iruka, just go if you're going to, and get it over with," he warned.

The dark-haired Chuunin looked scared, and Kakashi wanted very much to do something to soothe his fear, to drop to his knees and beg forgiveness for daring to be a scary infamous-deadly-shinobi. Instead he merely waited, and Iruka said, "No, Kakashi, I don't want to go. I want to be with you."

The words should have been reassuring, but the tone was off, and Kakashi was done with lies. "Then be with me. It's that simple, Iruka, do or don't. Don't play this halfway game with me anymore. I don't want you coming here acting as if you own the place, as if you own me, and then suddenly acting as if we were never together in the first place, or as if you have to work to figure out how to BE together. No more games, Iruka. Stay or go, but don't play with me anymore." The careful control Kakashi had been exhibiting up to this point wavered, but instead of throwing himself at Iruka's feet as he wanted, he merely took a seat on the couch next to the other man, still not touching him.

Iruka reached out his hand, shaking, and laid it on Kakashi's knee. "Why am I afraid of you?" he asked, staring at the shaking hand as if it had betrayed him.

Kakashi laughed. "You've always been afraid of me, Iruka. Right up until the moment you realized how much power you had over me. I can't take that power away, really, because I love you no matter what happens, but I refuse to let it control me anymore."

Iruka smiled broadly, and Kakashi could see the effort it took. _He must be very sad, to smile like that,_ Kakashi thought. "I'm glad you're standing up to me," the kind man said, and this time Kakashi knew it was the truth. Iruka's compassion knew no bounds, and this was one of the things Kakashi loved about him in the first place. Iruka really was happy for Kakashi for finding his voice, even if it meant Iruka might lose something he wanted. "I want to be with you, but you're right, I don't know how," Iruka said, still smiling, and he lifted his hand from Kakashi's knee and stood.

Kakashi sat silently and watched him walk across the floor, then stood numbly and followed him to the door. Iruka was putting on his shoes, and he was leaving, and he wouldn't be back this time. The farce they had been calling a relationship was over, and Kakashi himself had forced the issue. He couldn't bear it, he knew that already. "Please, "he said softly, dropping to his knees though he knew he shouldn't. "Please don't go. I'll say anything you want if you just don't go," he said, feeling wretched and weak.

Iruka turned back to him, that damnable smile still in place. He reached out a hand to pet Kakashi's head again, and again Kakashi couldn't help but revel in the touch, despite all the negative connotations behind it. "Have I destroyed you already, Kakashi? Can you really not survive me simply walking out your door?"

Kakashi said nothing, merely kneeled there waiting, as if for a death blow. Iruka sighed, took his shoes back off, and reached out to pull Kakashi to his feet. He kept pulling, leading Kakashi back through his own home to his bedroom, then pulling him down onto the bed and holding him in his arms there. Kakashi melted into Iruka's arms, but his mind was reeling, trying to figure out what was going on. One 

moment Iruka had been leaving, and the next they were here, in his bed, and he was being held. Was Iruka still going to leave him? Why hadn't he been able to hold onto his self-control one moment longer, just long enough for Iruka to get out his door so he could break down and get it over with?

"Stop thinking," commanded Iruka, his tone severe. "You don't have to think so hard. Since apparently your genius ninja brain isn't working on this problem, I'll make it simple for you. You were wrong. I am powerless because no matter what I do I hurt you, and that destroys me." There was no emotion in that voice, simply a statement of fact.

Obito's eye wept. Kakashi's didn't. If Iruka noticed the tears soaking the eye patch Kakashi was wearing, he said nothing. Kakashi lifted himself out of Iruka's arms, looking down at the man critically. There was still a smile on his face, that face which always managed to look young and innocent somehow. This was the man, he remembered, who had first taught Naruto that people could care about each other, that someone could care about him despite the monster inside of him. This was the man, he remembered, who had fought with Kakashi, smiled at him, and endured his teasing. That same inexhaustible well of kindness he and others had become so dependent on was a flaw to Iruka as much as a virtue, he realized finally.

Kakashi leaned down and kissed the smiling face beneath him, determined to make that smile go away. It was a lie, and he was done with lies. Iruka merely lay there for a moment and let himself be kissed, and then finally the smile melted away and he pushed Kakashi back a bit, frowning. Kakashi sighed. "What are we doing then?" he asked.

Iruka stared at him for a long moment, and then seemed to come to a decision. "Not thinking," he replied, with a real smile this time.

Kakashi smiled in return. "I think I can deal with that." Then he kissed Iruka again, and this time Iruka kissed back. Still Iruka was kissing back with the same intensity he was kissed though; simply letting Kakashi have what he wanted. Kakashi was tired of that, because he knew the man wanted him, was sure of it, but couldn't tell from his actions. He broke the kiss, growling, and glared at Iruka. "If you want to fucking kiss me, kiss me, don't play the mimic game with me."

Iruka gave him a shocked look, and then kissed him roughly and lustfully. "Is that what you want? Do you want to know how much I want you?" he growled, and then pushed Kakashi off him, knocking him off the bed. "I've wanted you this whole time, but I didn't want to use you that way."

Kakashi had landed on his feet, just barely, and stared down at the gorgeous young man half-sitting in his bed looking both hungry and confused. How Iruka managed to radiate sexuality so well while fully dressed in uniform, Kakashi had no idea. "What happened to not thinking?" asked Kakashi, advancing back to the bed. He reached out to push Iruka back but instead found himself being pulled down by Iruka himself, and kissed again, just as hungrily as before.


	10. Chapter 10: Definition

10: Definition

_Any two people using the same word will never mean it in exactly the same way. There are a number of factors involved in this: region, culture, personal experience, and plain old individuality. So how can we ever truly speak the same language?_

Kakashi was hoping that Iruka wouldn't just passively allow himself to be touched this time, but found that as soon as they were back in his bed, he was in control again. He shrugged it off mentally, simply setting himself about bringing Iruka pleasure. Anything to slake the lust in those deep dark eyes, he decided, kissing every inch of skin he uncovered as he divested Iruka of his clothes. At least this time Iruka was helping with that part of it, but he still wasn't really touching Kakashi at all. Kakashi found himself going down on Iruka again, and let his mind go, let himself simply feel the pleasure of having his beloved writhing beneath him with ecstasy he was causing.

"No," panted Iruka, and Kakashi pulled back, looking at him quizzically. The expression on Iruka's face was an exquisite blend of bliss and agony. "Not like this, not again," Iruka said firmly, pulling Kakashi up his body and then kissing him. Iruka started helping Kakashi out of his clothes, calmly exploring with his hands as he went, running gentle fingers over scar tissue old and new, and the smooth skin between. Kakashi had never been touched so gently, that he could remember. He let Iruka flip them, let himself be explored, thrilling when Iruka's hesitant mouth joined his hands in roaming across Kakashi's body.

He had never actually believed Iruka would touch him this way. "It this a gift?" he asked Iruka suddenly, and Iruka leaned back a bit, his eyes sliding slowly up to meet Kakashi's.

"I don't know," he admitted. He stilled, one hand resting on Kakashi's chest where it had been playing idly with a nipple, his other hand resting on Kakashi's erection. "If I say 'yes' what will you do?"

Kakashi thought about that one for a moment, his whole body screaming with sensation, his heart full of joy at the gentleness he was being shown. He couldn't come up with an answer, so instead he wordlessly thrust upwards with his hips, pressing himself into Iruka's hand. Iruka smiled but let go, leaving Kakashi confused.

His confusion didn't last long. Iruka lay back and then pulled Kakashi so that he rolled on top of him again, and suddenly Kakashi's mind was back on the question of the balance of power between them. Iruka was putting him here, on top, and he wondered if there was a thought behind it. But the longing in Iruka's eyes didn't made it seem he had much room in his mind for plotting at the moment, so Kakashi merely let himself be pulled onto Iruka, kissing the tan column of throat beneath him. He felt Iruka grind against him, and wondered how far this was going to go.

He had to ask, he decided. As nice as it would be to not think, he didn't want to deal with the guilty look this time. "Iruka…" he started.

"No," said Iruka again, in the same firm tone he had used before, reminding Kakashi that he was a teacher. "I don't want to think, and I don't want to talk… what I want is you inside me, before I go mad."

Kakashi's dreams about sex with Iruka had been many and varied, but he hadn't really expected Iruka to let him penetrate him like that. After their first quasi-sexual encounter, he'd pretty much figured him pleasuring Iruka or letting Iruka take pleasure in him was going to be as good as he got, and he'd been fully prepared to let Iruka fuck him if that was what he wanted. But this… he hadn't expected to have it asked of him. He wanted to say "thank you" but knew he couldn't, knew it wasn't the right time for that. So instead he did as Iruka wanted, jumping up quickly to find something to use for lube first because he knew he'd better not mess this up if he wanted to have a chance at fixing things in the morning, and then coming back to carefully prepare his lover. Iruka pulled him down to kiss him as he did so, and wouldn't relinquish Kakashi's mouth until Kakashi pushed carefully into him.

Kakashi took it slow, desperately wanting not to hurt Iruka. He'd done this before, but not with someone he loved, and he couldn't believe how much difference it made in the way he looked at things. He found himself praying Iruka didn't like it rough, because he was pretty sure there was no way he was going to be able to do that for him. Instead, once he was inside, he started with slow grinding circles, working his way up to languid thrusts, smiling as he felt Iruka's hands start wandering his body again. Those dark eyes just looked up at him, demanding, and Kakashi finally picked up his rhythm and started fucking Iruka in earnest, earning himself a gasp. He reached down to fist Iruka's cock, which earned him another gasp, and a whimper as Iruka came, and finally a whispered "Kashi". It was that last that did him in, and he came hard, his spirit racked with pain as surely as his body was racked with pleasure.

They slept together in his bed again that night, this time with nothing between them, and did not speak of the fight they had, or the fact that Iruka had nearly left him, or the sex that had followed. Kakashi didn't dare say "Thank you" as he wanted to, and didn't dare ask if Iruka was still going to leave him. All he knew was what he had been allowed, and that afterwards he had seen no guilt in the other man's eyes, only bliss and a sort of simplicity, perhaps peace.

The next morning passed much as the one before. Iruka made Kakashi breakfast before leaving to get ready for work. Kakashi wanted to say something about the night before, but every time he tried to, Iruka would just shake his head. "Not yet," he'd say. "We'll talk soon, but not yet."

"Will I see you tonight?" asked Kakashi, trying to ignore the whine he could hear in his own voice.

Iruka shrugged. "I don't know yet." He must have seen the hurt on Kakashi's face, because he added, "I want to, but I have a very busy day today. I can't promise when I'll be done, but I'll stop by here afterwards, even if it's just to say good night." He kissed Kakashi on his way out the door, tenderly, and then was gone.

Kakashi challenged Gai to a taijutsu match earlier than he would normally even be seen out, and he ignored every question the green-clad man asked him, grateful when his friend and rival finally took the hint and shut his mouth. After the match, he played with his dogs for a while, finally dismissing them when Pakkun refused to stop yapping about Iruka. He went home early, just in case, and spent hours after dinner lounging on his couch lazily reading one of his precious books. It was starting to get him down a bit, though, because all the sex involved made him want to relive last night's experience with Iruka, the memory of which was a little too bittersweet for him to handle right now. So he abandoned the book in favor of a poetry collection that Iruka had left at his place… just one of many things he had been leaving lying around lately, as if he lived there.

The soft knock at the door woke Kakashi instantly. He looked up to see that the room was dark, and a glance at the clock revealed that it was three in the morning. He shoved himself to his feet and padded his way to the door. One hand went to his mask, but he knew who was standing on the other side of that door already, so he didn't bother, merely opened it and let Iruka in.

The younger man looked exhausted and in pain, and Kakashi helped him take off his shoes, hitae-ate, and vest before leading him into the living room. Iruka sat on the couch, and when Kakashi sat beside him, Iruka leaned over and pillowed his head on Kakashi's chest. They didn't speak at first, and then finally Iruka said, "I told you I had a long day today. Not only with paperwork, but there's some other stuff I've been putting off for too long. I haven't been able to get my mind off you long enough to work lately, unless I was with my students."

The admission startled Kakashi. "How can you say things like that?" he asked, but his tone had no bite to it.

Iruka shrugged. "You don't understand what it's like to be me. I love everyone. Think about that for a moment."

Kakashi did. He reached up to lay a hand over his right eye, thinking that the boy who had originally owned it also loved everyone, probably. While Kakashi might carry on the ideal of teamwork, and putting comrades before anything else, he couldn't honestly say he loved everyone. He was indifferent to most people, allies and enemies alike. He liked his friends, and he could probably say he loved his students… ex-students. And his dogs. And most of all, Iruka. But everyone? No. What would it be like to love everyone? To suffer when anyone suffered, friend or foe? To no matter how angry you become, never be able to truly wish harm on someone else? It boggled his mind, and what boggled his mind even more was how anyone who felt this way could become a shinobi. So he asked.

Another shrug from Iruka, his shoulders moving against Kakashi because of their positions. "Because I love everyone. I teach, and I protect, and that's my path."

Kakashi was back to thinking, and finally he realized what Iruka was telling him. "If you love everyone, then you love me too… but how can you tell if your love for me is any different from your love 

for anyone else?" Iruka nodded, letting Kakashi know he was on the right track. "How would you ever know what kind of love it was you were feeling towards someone?"

"It's been used against me in the past, you know," Iruka said softly. "Anko could tell you that story, and will, if you ask her. I can't, not yet at least. The point is, though, that when you say you love me, you know exactly what that means. The type of devotion you have, I can't imagine having that. I give of myself so freely, to everyone, little bits of myself being handed out like cake at a party. But I always keep my own piece, because I have to, and you haven't done that."

"No, I haven't," said Kakashi softly, not knowing what else to say. Iruka didn't seem to be moving, didn't seem likely to stand up and walk out the door, but all the same he was beginning to wonder if he still might be losing him. "Iruka, what are we going to do? Are we anywhere different now than we were the night before last, or last night?"

"We are," said Iruka firmly. "Today, I was working so hard, and I had to not think about you, because that's what has been keeping me from working. And then someone said your name, and I looked up as if it had been my own name. And it hit me… I don't know what one kind of love feels like to distinguish it from another, but when someone says your name and it feels closer to me than my own, I have a feeling it means I'm in love with you."

Iruka wasn't looking at him, he was still lying snuggled against his chest. Kakashi pushed him away gently, just far enough to see his face. Iruka wasn't smiling. His expression was pleasant, but subdued, and definitely not the "lie" smile that Kakashi saw on him so often. Kakashi grinned then, and kissed him. Then he remembered, and said, "So last night, you didn't know you were in love with me then?"

Iruka blushed, and shook his head. "No. I knew I wanted you. I knew I had been driving myself crazy keeping my hands off you because I didn't want to use your feelings against you. I knew that I couldn't hold back any longer without leaving, and you wouldn't let me leave." He blushed deeper. "Is that okay?"

Kakashi laughed. "If you had said you knew you loved me then, I would have been annoyed with you for lying. So can I be your lover now?" he asked.

Surprisingly, the blush disappeared, to be replaced by a smirk and a sultry voice. "Do you mean you want to call yourself my lover, or that you want to make love to me now?"

"You're far too tired for the second, so I guess it'll have to be the first," Kakashi replied. "However, my dear Iruka, if you'd like to sleep with me tonight, I promise I'll make the breakfast in the morning. Or lunch, if you decide you'd rather call in 'sick' to work and spend the morning in bed," he added with a wink.

Iruka fake-coughed loudly, and Kakashi grinned. "I will no longer apologize for loving you₁" he quoted softly, his eyes catching on the book of poetry he had dropped when he fell asleep on the couch earlier. And he realized, he would never again feel like he needed to apologize for his feelings.

Note: The quote Kakashi uses here is from a poem titled "After Years of Listening, A Stone Comes to Life" by James Tipton.


End file.
